Val! (loupguru) wrote,

I simply must

I feel that I have all these emotions lurking right below the surface, I mean, I simply must.
And it could be the slightest thing, the dial could turn any which way - I am not sure that's true, but it seems like it could be.

My husband doesn't need me.
It's obvious enough, and maybe it always has been.
Even a long time ago, when I wanted to make friends, he said he didn't need them - that I was enough.
And maybe I knew long before now that he would be content even without me.

And maybe (or not just 'maybe') I'm the one who's broken.  But feeling how I feel right now, reminds me of many times in the past I've felt this way.  Oh, it's not as bad, as I have a husband back in Sheboygan waiting for me to come home (though, when I come home is of little importance).
But I've spent a couple days hanging out with Tim, and it's nice to be aroud him, because he lives in the present with contentment and seems to not give much thought (and therefor concern) toward the future.  The future has always filled me with trepidation.  Even when I was young I would say, in regards to the future, that 'I try not to think about it.'  Because there is too much unknown. Too much to consider and overwhelm.

And maybe also because I've just finished all 3 seasons of "Arrow" on Netflix, and the final one ends with Oliver (the arrow) driving off with Felicity (the happy IT girl) - and that bothered me... but reading all these other reactions of fans of the show, they say that it's good b/c Oliver is dark and needs her light, and she is happy but wants love out of life... whereas when she briefly dated Palmer, he didn't need her. He was content in himself, and didn't have the need for her that Oliver did.  He loved her, but it wasn't necessary.

Theron may love me, but I am not necessary.  And it hurts...
And on the phone earlier I was telling him how Tim seemed surprised that back in '09 I traveled to Europe on my own, like he didn't know or didn't remember that I had... and he said, "why would anyone want to travel alone?"
I told Theron that and he said, "I don't think I'd like to travel alone either."
I said, "I can only think of two marked times that I felt lonely" to imply that of course, as is true, otherwise I enjoyed it.

He said, "Oh, I don't mean I think I'd feel lonely... I'm sure I'd make some sort of friends here and there..."
I said, "Do you ever feel lonely?"
He shrugged it off with an easy, "No" or "No, not really."

And why am I going back to Sheboygan again November 2nd?
Why am I leaving the comfort of my family's home, where I have at least 2 friends and a depressive sister, my dad, and my mother not far, to go home to someone who is content without me, to a dog and an otherwise empty house, and no friends, and no real comfort, but plenty of fear of the future?

What am I doing in my life?
What will I do with my life?

And none of this is about the fact that I recently decided ('decided') to stop drinking, because that can be a subject for another day. It's been too much on topic lately and isn't what I'm thinking about now (only in small ways, in the back of my mind, or in my visions of the past and a future that has split from this one).

Tim thinks it's funny (and maybe always has) how much I fear change. And yet how much I think it's necessary (I don't know if he realizes that, though I would think he must).

Theron talks about the future like a surgeon disecting possibilities.
I want to crawl back into a hole and hide.

Though I'm only hiding from my own mind, and mental state.

And I wonder if I have ever felt independent, though I know I have, but for how long and was it ever real? Or was it ever satisfying for long?
And I hate how I feel right now, though I know I could feel worst.

Lost again, but what's new?
Just getting older.
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