Val! (loupguru) wrote,

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It seems like nothing feels right.

The Christmas tree we never got the ornaments on.   The pumpkins still rotting on the front steps.
The ornaments are still wrapped in paper towels in their plastic box.  Easy enough to put away until next year.
And the pumpkins frozen enough outside to be tossed into trash bags and thrown out.

Presents still need to be wrapped and sent home. Tchotchkes.

Having started my period late yesterday, my moods are of course all over the place. Ridiculous because it is always the case and so predictable. 

Theron told me I should just sleep in because I probably wouldnt feel good today anyway... but then called me before 8 to say he had a flat tire.   I picked him up on the other side of Sheboygan near the freeway and drove him to work. He looked unhappy the whole time, saying he wished he could just stay with me all day and that he still doesnt feel quite like he fits in at his job.  4 months there but it's different. It takes time.
I try to cheer him up or make him smile. Sometimes I think I am not good at all at making people smile.
He said he doesnt feel intellectually engaged at work. I don't think I do much of that at home either.

On the way home I stop for a starbucks at one point and note that I keep missing my chance to make eye contact with the friendly-seeming barista making my espresso-loaded coffee. I am awkward, barely awake, dressed in yesterdays clothes and a snow hat over my crazed blonde hair because, despite the freezing air in our room, I sweat all night in my sleep.

I stopped for a bagel once I was back in Sheboygan, and tried my best to act 'normal' to the man at the cash register. He joked when I said I wanted it toasted twice. "Just before catching on fire right?" He smiled at me. "hah hah yeah" I said and paced uncomfortably till it was ready. They always put the bagels in plastic bags, then into the paper bag. So I took it out and put it only in the paper.  Who wants a soggy bagel? That just allows the heat to get trapped and turn into moisture and ruins the whole purpose of toasting it! But then, if i'd mentioned that, I am sure i would have come across as even more of a fruit cake... but really it's just logical!

Also  I should note between my coffee and my bagel I called dad to chat, because Manitowoc to Sheboygan is about half an hour, and I used to call him when I'd walk to work in the early mornings in NYC - knowing he'd almost always be up.  We talked for a while and mostly I rambled, about what just happened (Theron's flat tire), about our weekend (laying around and being very lazy - but that's ok right? since we've been going-going-going and traveling so much the past couple months)... and then about wedding plans I havent made, save the dates we haven't made, engagement photos we haven't set up, possible gigs in new york I havent tacked down... and the house being messy. 

And i need to pick a wedding dress, and find a photographer, caterer, etc. I need to get containers for the Thanksgiving things and pack them all away, with Christmas. I need to make this place feel more like a home, like we want it to feel.
I am not good at these things.
I don't know what I am good at.

I come home and one of my friends is in a deep depression and I chat with him online for a while. I dont know what to say besides the obvious, I try to help but sometimes you can't do much besides letting someone know you are there for them and understand but that doesnt make their depression less real and less... of a thing that will last for some time.

And Peter sent me a link to an interesting NYTimes article about the way New York was planned as a grid and the author, Michael Kimmelman, decided to abstractly reference a few vagaries in a way that suggested we, the readers, should know these obtuse references without directly stating the source or more information... which made me feel both ignorant, lazy (for not looking them up), inadequate (for having a mind that seems lacking) and affronted at what seemed at the same time a sort of hubris, or at the very least, self-aggrandizement.
Or maybe I read too much into it.

I suppose maybe it was the first part that got me:

"I’m referring not just to the sociability it promotes, which Jane Jacobs identified, or to the density it allows, which Rem Koolhaas celebrates, or even to the ecological efficiency it sustains, which now makes New York, on a per-capita basis, a very green place. I’m also referring to a kind of awareness it encourages."

The grid of New York promotes sociability? I should look into this. Ask anyone about living there - or any massive city, but I think predominately there - and you will hear the exact opposite. 

He goes on to say that anyone who moves to New York, because of this sameness of a grid layout, can easily become and feel as though they are New Yorkers. As a Texan who transplanted to NY I can say that is not the case. I never felt like a New Yorker. And even if I had lived the entirety of my stay there in Manhattan, I wouldn't have felt like one. I would have felt the claustrophobic feelings of someone stuck in a tiny apartment beyond which is massive concrete, cement, and steel. I would have felt like an outcast beyond the grid in Queens, or like a commuter when I lived in Rutherford, NJ. I never once felt like a New Yorker, and I dont think I ever would have.  

Finally, and while I appreciate high speech, I find it rather absurd that the author goes on to state:

"Hilary Ballon, a professor of urban studies and architecture at New York University who organized the exhibition (running through April 15), adds that it even affects our daily behavior. “We cross at corners with the grid,” is her example. That’s not quite the New York I know, but it’s true that when we jaywalk or take shortcuts across plazas or stroll down Broadway, we are aware of violating the grid. The grid is the ego to our id."

Really? That grid is reigning in our ego? Are you sure?  Someone's ego seems to be doing just fine.

Though again, and truth be told, this article also made something fundamentally clear to me -  Not that I am no longer living in the grid of New York (that is pretty clear to everyone)... but that other people are thinking, really thinking about things, even the way the 'grid' of NY affects those living (or just working) within it... and I have been thinking less and less. 
I don't have a community here where I can meet up with people and discuss things. I have no great artistic outlet. I may write now and then - but rarely - and it still isn't the same as it would have been 10 or 13/14 years ago.  When I was learning and thinking and coming up with concepts.

Theron says it is still possible, my dream of making movies.  Being a lazy person, and a depressive one, I find it hard to believe... I find it a dream I have already given up on.... which is a disappointment.
I can't even see how this wedding will be what I want it to be... Because I have lost that part of myself that used to believe it could create great things.


I need something that feels organic. And I am not talking about food grown a certain way or cotton blends or even occupy wall street. Yeah, the world is grinding to a halt and I hate what is happening in our country  - but can we really be surprised?

We still only have this one life to live... and I feel like mine is flying by without me.

Another angsty entry por nada.

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