Val! (loupguru) wrote,

just feeling down

I did write yesterday, which is all fine and dandy. I was in a frenzy, frantic, upset. I wrote first on a notebook - why not my journal? Who cares anyway, right? Then I wrote again on my LJ. Why not here where It would have "counted" for something.... "points" again... the only numbers I care about are the ones on the scale (going down! which isn't happening) and the ones in my bank account (going down, because I am forever unemployed).

There is still of course snow outside, the same snow from 2 days ago that I ran around having fun in. That yesterday, under the bright sunshine, I couldn't make myself get out into.  I believe it is sunny today as well, so I should get out there. I should exercise also. I should eat less or just not eat. "should should should"   - difficult things, sometimes. My boyfriend and I are supposed to be having a 'date' night tonight, but I don't know.  What is the point? What is real anyway?  Existential crises are so dull, aren't they?

Maybe I should go swimming in Lake Michigan. Hah.
Maybe I should start an organized crime syndicate. The new mobsters of Chicagoland. But no one would probably listen to me. I can't even hold down a job or get clips from episodes I edited 2 years ago. Or a year ago, whatever. People tell you 'no' and what can you do, after that? Tuck tail and snarl - that's about it.

And the quote you included in your mail out today seemed silly. That you 'saved' that girl just because she logs in to write here every day? I don't know... it's good to express yourself and I guess the very slight nudge an email can give some people is enough to get those thoughts out there. Maybe she has deeper and more significant thoughts than I do, and those thoughts coming out transform her life to such a degree, she feels saved.  Maybe she lives in a cabin in some remote region of Montana or Wyoming and this offers some respite. Who can say ?

The other day we were very happy. Silly happy. I had been productive Tuesday, and Wednesday despite the morning where I did cry a bit, we were out playing in the snow. Then we were at home making our ahi tuna tartar dinner, drinking champagne (or he beer) playing uno - winning little bets from one another (a foot rub, a head scratch, foot massage actually with oil, a date night, etc).  He won a 'slave day' from me on a bet weeks ago but hasn't taken me up on it yet. Annoying. I thought it could be fun. In reality it would just stress him out trying to come up with things for me to do (if we were out anywhere) and we would probably just stay home and I would be bored and dissatisfied at the lack of creativity of it all.

We keep saying we're going to take a Metra train trip - towards naperville... but again... we haven't done that. A few weekends have passed since we said we would, cloud covered weekends, at least. Now another weekend is upon us , as today is Friday.  Theron and I were looking forward to it on Wednesday - having had fun and realizing new and fun things and that we can really have more fun together (than the rut we've gotten into, I think, though we try).  But yesterday my mood was not a good one, and it is probably all due to a period impending. At least I shouldn't have it over Valentine's day... or the weekend before which, when we should be skiing up in Wisconsin.  We are couchsurfing with a man and his family who seem nice.  They have a basement style apartment for us to stay in, and want to have dinner with us on Saturday. We will be pooped from skiing, no doubt, but it should be worth it.

Of course I would love to go to a fancy or semi-fancy restaurant on V-day, but in reality I know it doesn't matter.  Though I've been feeling that way a lot lately, like nothing really matters.  Rut rut rut. Stuck stuck stuck.

I even talk to people who are upsetting to me just because I dont want to severe connections. Maybe I'm lonely. Or maybe there isn't even the need to say maybe. I most probably am lonely.  That and I need a routine. I recognize this, and Mom said it yesterday. Not like I don't know.

Wake up with Theron, get coffee, play wii fit together, have breakfast, shower, dress, work on novel / comic book (whichever first), go for a walk, work on website, etc. Dinner. Go to sleep in each others' arms.... Routine.... something....

oh well.
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