Val! (loupguru) wrote,
Val!
loupguru

  • Mood:

Literally bored to tears

But I know it's more than that.
It's hormones and being sore from trying to start working out (just a little!) on Monday night. It's that my period is late but still affecting my emotions, it's that I can't handle being sore/aching, it's that I am feeling sorry for myself for these things and it's bleeding over into how I feel about myself and everything else.
It snowed a lot yesterday, but that's not necessarily bad.
My eyes are dry and hurting. Just woke up that way.
Didn't sleep well.

Used to be in shape. Used to be more motivated. Realize this has come and gone before in my life, particularly after over a year of beind docile here, for the most part, and trying to get in shape again, but that's kind of how I feel now and I hate it. My body aches. From just 40 sit ups, several girly style push ups, a few lunges, etc.
I should be going for walks, and dancing, and working my way back up to going to the Y. Maybe not 3 times a week like I used to - but some times, and not to where I'm on day 2 after working out and crying b/c I feel in pain and bored and lonely.

I have been applying to jobs more... and finally updated my reel after 9 years!  But I feel I am putting too much emphasis on this stuff.
I need friends. I need to do stuff.

I showered and did some laundry yesterday and Theron felt he was neglecting *his* duties b/c I did the laundry and sheets. Sheesh! I'm the one that is constantly on facebook or watching TV.
I'm the one usually feeling so antsy by 1PM I do something else.


I wish I had not neglected getting the car battery changed this weekend. I know, it's Wednesday and still doable... I just don't feel good, and that always effects me.
I need to feel better about me.
Working on my reel helped that.
I haven't made any effort to get those postcards for the poetry reading out there, nor sign up to do anything at the event.
I'm sore and it's a good excuse to feel bad.

But the tears are real.
I feel trapped by a cage I slowly wove around me and I don't know how to get out of.

I want to be productive but I don't know where to start.
Jesus let my period start soon b/c how I feel right now definitely beckons a coming wave of wonderful femaleness.

I should just get dressed and go for a walk. Go for a walk until I feel better.
How is it so easy to walk in Europe?
How is it so easy to be a hermit here?

God I hate feeling down, depressed, etc.
I hate feeling unmotivated.
Unworthy.

I just want to feel good in my life again.
I'm certain I have before.

Just feels like it's been a long time....

-val!

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