This has sort of happened before, in the past, in my youth I'm sure, and my angst-ridden teenage and exhausted college years... but this morning I found myself frightened by it.
Theron had woken me as usual when he got up, we kissed and - as I do rarely - I decided I would sleep a little longer once he left.
I feel back into sleep quickly and had one strange dream after another... school work piling up and me missing days or mixing up my schedule, being in a double suite hotel room with Ness, Theron, Karen, and random others trying to find out which bed I could use to sleep on so I could rest for an interview the next day.
Then that I was engaged to Chris Durner and he was holding me as we slept - or as he slept and I confusedly wondered about it... Because as great of a guy as he is, I thought I'd already been engaged to someone else who I was in love with?
Then I realized slowly this was a dream. I was well aware I was in my bed with the plush blue comforter a mass on top of me. Then the fear started..
I felt as if someone entered the room and then sat on the bed. In my half sleep state I felt the depression of Theron's weight on the side of the bed, I felt him lean in to hug or kiss me. I felt afraid. I knew it wasn't Theron, he was already at work. I tried to will it away.
A moment later I felt another depression on the bed, as if Theron had walked around it to get closer to my side, and sit on it, and lean in again toward me. I felt very frightened, but so deep in sleep I couldn't wake. I felt our house must be haunted. Though I am sure that's moreover because it makes so many old-house noises at night (or all the time) that I even feel scared about burglars.
So it was at this time I was fighting sleep, fighting the comforter, fighting to wake. My arms and entire body were engulfed in such a soothing, deep sleep it was impossible. I willed my arms to move, but only to realize they were moving only in my sleep, not really moving. I wanted them to push the comforter off of me, help me get up, open my eyes.
I tried so hard to make them move.
Once they finally started to, it was still an effort to get them going and really escape. I got out of bed and threw on my sneaker slippers and hurried down the stairs to make the strongest coffee we have, afraid sleep might still try and get me again.
I don't know why I felt so scared. Mom would point out that everything is death with me. Maybe.... but it did make me wonder if that is what death is like...
Now I'm dressed up and about to go meet Bee for lunch. And I am still feeling vulnerable.
We need more lights in this house. that is another story.
the waking dead.