of laudenum and lace
nor was I thus created
to be bombarded by disgrace
- a sensation slapped against my face
by me, alone.
Creating a world
of poetry read in brothels
by people dressed
in brick a brack Victorian garb
does not make a movement
or a difference
and would not move me
like I belonged
Something wronged me
a long time ago
to abuse myself
or get wound up
for no reason.
I could be out stomping
in the bright white snow
And I should write
poems about Chicago nights
and the fogs I do not know.
That's a poem I wrote a few days ago when I was in a frenzy. I then wrote on my LJ... I didn't write here, I mentioned that yesterday. My sister is somewhat missing me and vaguely missing our travels together. That might do me well, to take a trip with her.
It also might lead to many fights... but who knows, what if we were launched together alone, no one else to save us, no easy way home... but it would be easier for her, she has more money now, as she makes a lot and i make none. She could and sometimes I would predict actually would, readily leave me behind, in any land, foreign or otherwise.
(Limos in Manhattan come to mind.)
So I don't know. Maybe not the best idea, but an idea, and a change of scenery, and pace.
My love has just returned; I hurt him by saying I am bored with my life. He said that my life is our life so I am bored with our life... that is not what I meant to say but at times is true. Are you going to start building bridges in your phone app now love?
can you imagine showing an iphone to someone in the 70s when they had those huge ridiculous looking 'mobile' phones to carry around? I imagine you would like to do that. You would have shocked someone forever.
Don't you wish you still had your apple stock? We probably never would have met though. You would have been extremely rich well before now and who knows where that would have taken you. Probably not to Chicago just looking for a job. The one offered up by your crazy, immoral, now under public scrutiny politician of an aunt.
Your family doesn't seem to like me. But what is that to me? to us? I hope not much.
I want to lose weight. I weigh 120lbs with no clothes on and want to get back down to 107, then even out at 112.. or 110 perhaps? Something... A goal.. to feel more like a doll (as we take a break from you curling my hair so I can write my 750 words.)
Ness asks why we are looking for a new place to rent. We haven't been exceptionally happy here and it's cost us a lot more money. Money we could save, save to just save, save to travel, save to dine out some. But I don't know.
My love kisses the my back as I write. He says he loves me. It's important - to say these things and mean them.... we are planning to go out later. Maybe have a bloody mary at Tavern on Rush if it is open. Ice skate at the Hancock.. It is the only semi sunny saturday we've had for a while.
My sister asks if I am still considering moving to LA.... of course i have to consider that. As I told her - things aren't [exactly] working out for me here, career wise... Though I d like for Theron to have a job first... all my friends working out there just say to come out... that doesnt make sense to me. I need a job first, then I will go out... though that is not what i did in NYC... I had family to stay with (for a very brief time and not what you would have thought or wanted).
I could go out to LA.... Maybe shop myself around... I should contact my contacts and see if anyone is looking or hiring. But I am put off by the lack of weather.. by the horrendous amounts of traffic.. by the people... I know I won't drink and drive again.. but the idea of being in a non-walking city with horrendous traffic and earthquakes doesnt appeal to me.
I wrote more than this but you erased it. Thanks.