Current location:	Home office in SA
Current mood:	chipper
Current music:	infrequent raindrops on Dad's weird A/C

tired thoughts and sleepy time
Yes I should be in bed as nothing exceptionally revolutionary will come from typing in my livejournal at 4 in the morning (after spending the past hour looking again at my picasa albums). But I note - and I note this often (though at least it isn't among the many things that make me feel I am utterly repetitive and therefore prone to getting on my own nerves) that my/our ("our" being that majority that comprises the general 'we') world[s] seem so different from one moment to the next - that our world views shift by the week, if not by the day, if not by the moment .
I note this readily about myself. Before leaving NJ for the brief visit to Chi then here to Texas - that I felt somehow strong - though there were moments of weakness, confusion, loneliness. That I felt I was in fact - not as some so frequently contend - negative - but a happy person. A person who truly enjoyed life and all its simple joys. That I enjoyed even the feelings of it - even the anger - even that - the feral silly feelings of strength and autonomy and jealousy and owning one's own self and one's own life.

In chicago granted moments occurred where I was brought back into being tied to the nastiness of other things - of other people and other people's expectations - tho still interested, perplexed, amused at the vast variety of divergences in those interpretations.

Then landing in SA and so much fog everywhere, and weather that was indecisive, and my stomach becoming upset, and my mood tired, and suddenly feeling lost and uncertain as to where I belonged and where I fit in. And this malaise (as it were) settling over - and a fight with my sister days later - which always (save one instance years ago that I still recall with wonder) put nails in my coffin faster than anything.

But today (and in part Saturday - though i was bored and alone and whining-ly so - bored and alone also enjoyably so, if that makes any sense at all! and BITS of Sunday) - again made me reassess our views of the world - or our worlds which we view so FICKLE-Y. (Note more words in this language certainly need to end in LY). Because I was lucky enough to hang out with Belinda and Tim today - and enjoyed that - the dusty (hah) friendships of so many years - just riding in a car, getting dinner, sitting through a not-so-great movie ;) Nothing amazing or out of the ordinary - just a pleasant ordinary. And before that sitting in the kitchen talking with Mom and Aunt Sha Sha for a bit. These things.

I will even say Sunday morning - Because I think it speaks volumes on our own interpretations of the world and reality - as Allen sat quietly in a chair near me as I read a bit of my book and thought of all the silly small things we could do. I somehow felt content. Something in a buried part of my mind must have lit and remembered the juvenile fun we used to sometimes have - simplicity of going to museums or painting our fingernails - because that is what I felt would be productive and amazingly fun and would happen. Of course that was all dashed in an instant when Allen informed me he was (despite us previously having planned to spend much of Sunday together) going to be far too busy doing.. laundry.. and that it wasn't his obligation to entertain me. (gee-thanks-ouch). But really - it was my mind creating this fun reality - that saw the world as this open coloring book (and a pop up one at that!) and his words (ah hearkening back years ago to when we dated - words ready and mean and hurtful if easy) - making the day not death but sickly and sad.
So I had lunch with Chet and he said I am happy in all my pix on line - that I am therefore 3 different people. And on my LJ someone else entirely. and in person - well then that is the third. Though really I am curious how all these three 'me's' comprise the whole. And I dont mind.
I know now that people and my family discuss me and form their opinions even when I am not there (shocking revelation right?) But either way - the world is the world - and I guess it is only to a certain extent. The minute you invite other people into even your smallest plans or nudge them into any slight expectation - you are creating a universe that might make you smile, but at any second might get all crumbled up by their own reality (which is to say the happiness, the solitude, the ugliness, with which they are painting). (to which immediately I can only say boo snubs and utterly SQUASH!)

But realities. And the world. And to say that my sister who has not been the happiest little beauty of late (beauty yes, but not so very happy) has had her reality (tho she felt unsteady a bit as it were) shift entirely under her feet on this day. Her job (like so many of ours, my friends, my not-yet-friends) getting cut due to lack of funds and a failing market. A blessing, I think, I truly think. But she is worried and feels the need to scramble for another one. I know that feeling - working freelance for several years already. The need to scramble swiftly for a job, any ounce of 'safety' and validation. the self doubt. But werent u thinking of going back to school? Just today you told me that. And wouldnt you like to meet me in Europe? it would decidedly be 'a trip' ;)

Back to realities and the people in our worlds - My sister who I love so much, and who loves me so much too - you can't (despite your sometimes desire to) - paint me in the image you want me to be - not as great or glorious as you might wish sometimes- but certainly not as ugly as other times - and I cant similarly paint you. But we can, if we try, and if we put our heads together, color in a world we might agree on, and might well enjoy.
As many worlds and as many shifting realities as we inhabit in a year, a month, a DAY, a lifetime - in this time that is our lives, we only have one actual span to live it.
Before Atropos grabs her shears - I would love for you to meet me in Europe, I would love for you to write your book, your bookS, to follow your dreams, to "follow your happiness", to find your bliss.
Above all view this not as a scary precipice the edge of which you hesitate to look over, afraid - but as a mountain top from which you will undoubtedly soar once you leap with the belief you should always have in yourself.

Just, make sure you fly by me on the way.

Love,

-Val!
Delirium or something like it. (sorry not my best writing but you know, writing nonetheless:)