Current location:	Rutherford, NJ
Current mood:	aggravated
Current music:	whatever mom is watchin on tv

Sadness pervades me today
and u and i may know it might just be that i am going to start my period.
but today i did run to the bank for Ev (who is thankfully still away) and drove around trying to find a restaurant i've been interested in - as Ive for the past 2 yrs seen a sign while it resides almost entirely out of sight atop a hill.
I did that. I took too many photos as always. Of roads, of trees, of the monastery next door that is nothing to write home about. (nothing to photo about).

I stopped by Coco's because I Texted her when I got back but she didnt reply. as is her way the first words out of her mouth were to chide me - for ringing the bell multiple times because "She has clients" there now. I turned to leave. no not NOW but 10 minutes ago.
I sat and had tea. Her apartment was peaceful as often it is - because she somehow weaves a peace into it.
When Joey stayed there there was no peace at all. no peace. at all.
I came home, I finished updating an album I uploaded months ago but never made public. - hadnt added comments yet. So its up.
But there were moments today, several of them, were I felt I could easily devolve into crying.
And as I grumpily made guacamole and ate a shitload of it - and heated up dinner - and tried to sit and enjoy it enough, I mentioned I wanted to feel magic in the world. Mom said its not the external but the internal that is lacking (in that way you know). And said something to the ends of - traveling Europe is expensive and would it make me happy.
Clearly I was not capable of dealing with that (no traveling Europe would not make me happy) I started crying and have not stopped.
Its just that. just one of those times.
What is wrong with wanting something different
with not know what it is u want just knowing it has to be out there
and being grateful for the fucking love of god for feeling like its out there.
it is so much worse to feel there is noting out there at all and there is not even the hope for magic
i said i miss poetry and studying and learning and she says "teen angst?"
i

a sense of hope a sense of passion a desire to create a feeling that it matters
(she asked me what i feel like is lacking in my life. "is it just a boyfriend?" oh yeah because that was so fulfilling)

Run away run away or what
this is just like those times in college i knew i was supposed to be somewhere social and couldnt go
but then it was i was in my won apt and couldn't get myself up off hte floor
this is ppl that i actually like - a friend - but am crying like a stupid baby bloating up my face.

and it all seems so much but u know its nothing
ultimately
its nothing
nothing
nothing
except a fucking bus ride into the city i didnt not wholly hate yesterday
and did decidedly not wholly love

You tell me what is missing
Its just me
I am just me
i am just crying
and its been so long since i've cried this way
just crying and feeling bad for it - for mom being here seeing it
i told her i would take her to the airport tomorrow but what do i do
with my things
what do i do
what do i do
what comes next
what comes next??

"you liked james becomes he moped more than u" or whatever shed said .
no duh
but whatever


Who needs teen angst when u can have angst at 28?

I didnt say life was bad and i didnt say i wasnt thankful for having worked as luckily as I have since ive been here. but at the same time there is still the feelings of rejection. come on of course there are!

28 and almost 30 means nothing
i am still just me the little crying thing, taking her mommy or daddy with her
to screenings and readings and feeling - u know i wrote this - only sometimes like a shining star (star of the college bar - i wrote - that saturday in Chicago bc i had 'my friends' with me)

girl with tears streaking her face and a new hair color for a strange old place