Current location:	Towers Prod Diging room
Current mood:	sad

Avid is rebuilding
And isn't that what we are all doing? or at least at some points in our lives? Just trying to 'rebuild'? to make sense of things?

Sadness in great sheets has come over my brain oddly a couple times in the past handful of days. I can't say I mind that - I don't. I mind other things - like overwhelming anxiety, or feelings of utter hopelessness, or that numb apathy you sometimes feel which could be linked to boredom. Or the feeling that I still feel at times - that I am doing things - going through motions - to fill my life but not FILLING or sometimes even FEELing it. I did go see wicked.. But that wasnt much of anything but a rainy sunday my first weekend in this city. and me being alone. and not knowing what to do with myself.
a self i wasnt liking so much at the moment.

it comes and goes. as I said to mom the last time the tears came bubbling up out of a seeming no where (had woken feeling blah, then anxious, hopeless, procrastinating - it being sunday and I needing to go in to work) - in the car, I tried to call the 'eap' to see about counseling as my self-esteem was extremely low at this point... but the call didnt go well and i should really call during normal business hours. So tears came, and driving down cracked white streets, and a young black girl in a pack threw a rock at my roof and anger took over.

Avid was scanning drives and I thought about going for a walk outside. Having received some semi(or more so)depressing news. But then thought about writing. I mean I had my notebook with me but why not type? Why not on here?
But this is not a computer lab in the architecture building at UT.
Though there are plenty of young people here, which I find kind of neat.
Chicago.

tears and payroll and not looking up at all for November. I guess I wont get to stay suctioned to you afterall. But go back to the tall grey buildings and cement and ...who knows.
Up in the air.
I am a girl
with tears in her throat
wild
with a checkered scarf around her neck
and a couple more hours of work
and a phone call
wishing she could slip into producer mode.
wishing she could meet a sister for sushi one night at koi kawa because she was procrastinating on studying for a french test.

wishing she could go on writing until something fleshed out.

wishing there was poetry and poets and things we thought when younger.
We never began dystopianism
we never finished so many books
Nor screenplays, Nor Films themselves.
easily discouraged
easily anything

checking drives that were scanning now .
back to work
to do this job.
i happily sat at the Avid this morning
for this first time in a while thinking
this is not just some crap job
(feelingnotsomuchfuckedup)
This is a CAREER

Ah.
Life
open ends
unraveled threads
and fear.

-Val!
humbly,
with sadness
your soldier