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I thank God for My Life [30 Jan 2012|09:02am] [ mood | grateful ] So this morning as I was walking around the house singing (read: howling out) the 'Chicken Fried' song by Zac Brown Band... I had reached the kitchen to make coffee, and was looking out the window at the remaining snow in the neighbor's yard... I was mishmashing up the song, and was singing, "There's no dollar sign on peace of mind, this I've come to know. So if you agree, have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast... I thank God for my life! For the stars and stripes! May freedom forever fly! and let it ring!" And I was thinking how grateful I really am. Of course the first thing I was thinking of Theron and how thankful I am for him.  How lucky I am to have found such a wonderful human being to share my life with. How perfectly cuddly and snuggly he is. How he really loves me so much and held me so comfortably this morning. I know a week from today I will be waking up alone to go start a new job... I said to him, "I don't think we've ever taken our cuddles for granted." He said, "No I would agree with that. Maybe we've taken each other for granted sometimes.." "yeah that's true."  Because you get used to ppl - it's normal. Last night at a friend's house for a great dinner out of no where he whispered, "I'm so glad we have each other." It was out of no where, as our friend was showing us awesome etched glasses she's made. Non sequitur for sure... but I know he is thinking about how I am about to leave. It's clearly been on both of our minds a lot. But staring out the window, making coffee, looking at the snow in this big house we are renting... having just been snuggled and helping Theron find socks in the laundry we were doing - I just felt, "Yes - I may complain i've gotten too chubby from being inactive, or any other thing, but I am truly so thankful for what I have in my life... Theron is a wonderful person and loves me..." And you can't stop there... My mind thinks of so many things at once - his Vice President who gave him a card after we'd gone to her house to help w/her printer, which said she was so thankful he is talented and she really enjoyed talking to me - I feel thankful for that woman! And obviously my friend Peter - who is doing so much right now to get ready for moving into his new apartment - I am *so proud* of him! He's been taking big life changing steps the past couple years, this being a really big one for him, and he's handling it so gracefully! I know I would be a ball of stress - I am so thankful for him too! He is letting me stay with him while I work in new york because he's a wonderful friend. A true friend.  Which reminds me that a couple years ago - when I'd first moved to live w/Theron in Chicago and so many friends visited, Theron said, "I really love all your friends, they're all such good people!" I said, "Of course they are! That's why they're my friends!"  And I really do have wonderful people in my life... Again, back at the window, my mind thinking of being grateful for Theron - I can't think of being grateful for where I am now without thinking of the wonderful family that raised me. My Mom who is still my main supporter and cheerleader to this day... my Dad who has always been such a hard worker but almost always had a smile on his face and has always been there to talk to on my long walks to work. Of course my twin sister, who is my other half, who grew with me from the moment I came out of the womb, who has done projects with me and gone on innumerable adventures with me... Of course I love my whole family - Karen is such a great cousin and friend, (Speaking of friends - can't not mention Blender!!), Dao, She She, Shar Shar - such talented, beautiful, wonderful cousins I have! I know I am scared about embarking on a new adventure back in New York - in an area I've never lived in, without Theron... I'm nervous about a new job not having been 'in the game' for a cpl years... hoping I dont somehow screw up... hoping I can stay calm and handle things well... And that Theron doesn't get too lonely here without me. I laid in bed for 3 hours yesterday morning (5:30 - 8:30) my mind just thinking, thinking, thinking - not in a bad way (thank god!) but just THINKING About so much - a lot about past events... We often reflect when moving forward I suppose. Anyway, maybe we'll have to have a little bit of Chicken Fried tonight ^-^ Love you guys! -Val! 1 comment|post comment

.... [03 Jan 2012|12:18pm] [ mood | depressed ] It seems like nothing feels right. The Christmas tree we never got the ornaments on.   The pumpkins still rotting on the front steps. The ornaments are still wrapped in paper towels in their plastic box.  Easy enough to put away until next year. And the pumpkins frozen enough outside to be tossed into trash bags and thrown out. Presents still need to be wrapped and sent home. Tchotchkes. Having started my period late yesterday, my moods are of course all over the place. Ridiculous because it is always the case and so predictable.  Theron told me I should just sleep in because I probably wouldnt feel good today anyway... but then called me before 8 to say he had a flat tire.   I picked him up on the other side of Sheboygan near the freeway and drove him to work. He looked unhappy the whole time, saying he wished he could just stay with me all day and that he still doesnt feel quite like he fits in at his job.  4 months there but it's different. It takes time. I try to cheer him up or make him smile. Sometimes I think I am not good at all at making people smile. He said he doesnt feel intellectually engaged at work. I don't think I do much of that at home either. On the way home I stop for a starbucks at one point and note that I keep missing my chance to make eye contact with the friendly-seeming barista making my espresso-loaded coffee. I am awkward, barely awake, dressed in yesterdays clothes and a snow hat over my crazed blonde hair because, despite the freezing air in our room, I sweat all night in my sleep. I stopped for a bagel once I was back in Sheboygan, and tried my best to act 'normal' to the man at the cash register. He joked when I said I wanted it toasted twice. "Just before catching on fire right?" He smiled at me. "hah hah yeah" I said and paced uncomfortably till it was ready. They always put the bagels in plastic bags, then into the paper bag. So I took it out and put it only in the paper.  Who wants a soggy bagel? That just allows the heat to get trapped and turn into moisture and ruins the whole purpose of toasting it! But then, if i'd mentioned that, I am sure i would have come across as even more of a fruit cake... but really it's just logical! Also  I should note between my coffee and my bagel I called dad to chat, because Manitowoc to Sheboygan is about half an hour, and I used to call him when I'd walk to work in the early mornings in NYC - knowing he'd almost always be up.  We talked for a while and mostly I rambled, about what just happened (Theron's flat tire), about our weekend (laying around and being very lazy - but that's ok right? since we've been going-going-going and traveling so much the past couple months)... and then about wedding plans I havent made, save the dates we haven't made, engagement photos we haven't set up, possible gigs in new york I havent tacked down... and the house being messy.  And i need to pick a wedding dress, and find a photographer, caterer, etc. I need to get containers for the Thanksgiving things and pack them all away, with Christmas. I need to make this place feel more like a home, like we want it to feel. I am not good at these things. I don't know what I am good at. I come home and one of my friends is in a deep depression and I chat with him online for a while. I dont know what to say besides the obvious, I try to help but sometimes you can't do much besides letting someone know you are there for them and understand but that doesnt make their depression less real and less... of a thing that will last for some time. And Peter sent me a link to an interesting NYTimes article about the way New York was planned as a grid and the author, Michael Kimmelman, decided to abstractly reference a few vagaries in a way that suggested we, the readers, should know these obtuse references without directly stating the source or more information... which made me feel both ignorant, lazy (for not looking them up), inadequate (for having a mind that seems lacking) and affronted at what seemed at the same time a sort of hubris, or at the very least, self-aggrandizement. Or maybe I read too much into it. I suppose maybe it was the first part that got me: "I’m referring not just to the sociability it promotes, which Jane Jacobs identified, or to the density it allows, which Rem Koolhaas celebrates, or even to the ecological efficiency it sustains, which now makes New York, on a per-capita basis, a very green place. I’m also referring to a kind of awareness it encourages." The grid of New York promotes sociability? I should look into this. Ask anyone about living there - or any massive city, but I think predominately there - and you will hear the exact opposite.  He goes on to say that anyone who moves to New York, because of this sameness of a grid layout, can easily become and feel as though they are New Yorkers. As a Texan who transplanted to NY I can say that is not the case. I never felt like a New Yorker. And even if I had lived the entirety of my stay there in Manhattan, I wouldn't have felt like one. I would have felt the claustrophobic feelings of someone stuck in a tiny apartment beyond which is massive concrete, cement, and steel. I would have felt like an outcast beyond the grid in Queens, or like a commuter when I lived in Rutherford, NJ. I never once felt like a New Yorker, and I dont think I ever would have.   Finally, and while I appreciate high speech, I find it rather absurd that the author goes on to state: "Hilary Ballon, a professor of urban studies and architecture at New York University who organized the exhibition (running through April 15), adds that it even affects our daily behavior. “We cross at corners with the grid,” is her example. That’s not quite the New York I know, but it’s true that when we jaywalk or take shortcuts across plazas or stroll down Broadway, we are aware of violating the grid. The grid is the ego to our id." Really? That grid is reigning in our ego? Are you sure?  Someone's ego seems to be doing just fine. Though again, and truth be told, this article also made something fundamentally clear to me -  Not that I am no longer living in the grid of New York (that is pretty clear to everyone)... but that other people are thinking, really thinking about things, even the way the 'grid' of NY affects those living (or just working) within it... and I have been thinking less and less.  I don't have a community here where I can meet up with people and discuss things. I have no great artistic outlet. I may write now and then - but rarely - and it still isn't the same as it would have been 10 or 13/14 years ago.  When I was learning and thinking and coming up with concepts. Theron says it is still possible, my dream of making movies.  Being a lazy person, and a depressive one, I find it hard to believe... I find it a dream I have already given up on.... which is a disappointment. I can't even see how this wedding will be what I want it to be... Because I have lost that part of myself that used to believe it could create great things. Maybe... I need something that feels organic. And I am not talking about food grown a certain way or cotton blends or even occupy wall street. Yeah, the world is grinding to a halt and I hate what is happening in our country  - but can we really be surprised? We still only have this one life to live... and I feel like mine is flying by without me. Another angsty entry por nada. -Val! post comment

Trying to wrest myself out of slumber this morning [29 Dec 2011|12:07pm] [ mood | frightened ] So strange... This has sort of happened before, in the past, in my youth I'm sure, and my angst-ridden teenage and exhausted college years... but this morning I found myself frightened by it. Theron had woken me as usual when he got up, we kissed and - as I do rarely - I decided I would sleep a little longer once he left. I feel back into sleep quickly and had one strange dream after another... school work piling up and me missing days or mixing up my schedule, being in a double suite hotel room with Ness, Theron, Karen, and random others trying to find out which bed I could use to sleep on so I could rest for an interview the next day. Then that I was engaged to Chris Durner and he was holding me as we slept - or as he slept and I confusedly wondered about it... Because as great of a guy as he is, I thought I'd already been engaged to someone else who I was in love with? Then I realized slowly this was a dream. I was well aware I was in my bed with the plush blue comforter a mass on top of me. Then the fear started.. I felt as if someone entered the room and then sat on the bed.  In my half sleep state I felt the depression of Theron's weight on the side of the bed, I felt him lean in to hug or kiss me. I felt afraid. I knew it wasn't Theron, he was already at work. I tried to will it away. A moment later I felt another depression on the bed, as if Theron had walked around it to get closer to my side, and sit on it, and lean in again toward me. I felt very frightened, but so deep in sleep I couldn't wake. I felt our house must be haunted. Though I am sure that's moreover because it makes so many old-house noises at night (or all the time) that I even feel scared about burglars. So it was at this time I was fighting sleep, fighting the comforter, fighting to wake. My arms and entire body were engulfed in such a soothing, deep sleep it was impossible. I willed my arms to move, but only to realize they were moving only in my sleep, not really moving. I wanted them to push the comforter off of me, help me get up, open my eyes. I tried so hard to make them move. Once they finally started to, it was still an effort to get them going and really escape. I got out of bed and threw on my sneaker slippers and hurried down the stairs to make the strongest coffee we have, afraid sleep might still try and get me again. I don't know why I felt so scared. Mom would point out that everything is death with me.  Maybe.... but it did make me wonder if that is what death is like... Now I'm dressed up and about to go meet Bee for lunch. And I am still feeling vulnerable. We need more lights in this house. that is another story. -Val! the waking dead. post comment

2 Months [06 Apr 2011|01:03pm] [ mood | chipper ]  It has been two months since my last entry, and that is significant.  I had unlocked it but then just locked it again.  It was a sad entry and I hadn't realized why I had gotten so down in the dumps, not till today. Today I have been getting things together for my lawyer - things like old journal entries post the cars hitting us in October, photos from that time, etc.  It is a shock to me - most of my physical journal has been written in that time - the entries before Oct 14th were short, few, and filled with happiness. Then from October 14th till February was a bunch of negativity. 4 months of pain and poor coping mechanisms, four months of depression and feeling bad.  I didn't even realize what bad spiral I had gotten stuck on until I was getting all this together for my lawyer today.  I hadn't realized how traumatized I had really been by that car crash, how much it affected me, and how depressed I ultimately became. My lawyer has said that bc I am feeling better now, that we don't have much of a case for emotional distress.... really? 4 months and complete depression on the outlook of my future isn't emotional distress?  Look up PTSD - I had it, no doubt.  Looking it up, yields things of relevance: Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death. When post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months. People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event. Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories: 1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity Recurrent distressing memories of the event Repeated dreams of the event Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event 2. Avoidance Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything Feelings of detachment Lack of interest in normal activities Less expression of moods Sense of having no future 3. Arousal Difficulty concentrating Exaggerated response to things that startle you Excess awareness (hypervigilance) Irritability or outbursts of anger Sleeping difficulties You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt") People with PTSD may need to treat depression, alcohol or substance abuse, or related medical conditions before addressing symptoms of PTSD. Behavioral therapy is used to treat avoidance symptoms. This can include being exposed to the object that triggers your symptoms until you become used to it and no longer avoid it (called graded exposure and flooding). Complications Alcohol abuse Depression, anxiety, and fear of things that are not usually frightening to other people (phobia), may be part of this disorder Drug abuse You feel overwhelmed by guilt You are impulsive You are thinking of hurting yourself You are unable to contain your behavior     So there you have it. The 4 months after the accident, fall and some of winter, incidentally my favorite time of year, and I was not able to enjoy a damn thing about it. I  was moody, angry, sometimes happy - true, but not like now.   The past 2 months have, for the most part, been far happier, far more 'normal' and healthy and good.  We have eaten healthier, drank much less, gone for long walks, enjoyed each other and our lives, felt much more certain the future will be bright and happy, etc. It is good to feel like you are living your life again, and not living on some awful numb autopilot.   And the amazing part to being happy again, is planning and having fun.  I found a great company on line that makes gorgeous engagement rings, and found they have a store in Milwaukee. Theron was very excited, and said we should drive up so we can see them in person. We did that very thing this past weekend. Saturday I was very nervous and that anxiety kept me from really enjoying the trip to the store. We stayed at a hotel (after having a fun dinner), and, on Theron's decision, went back to the store the next day.  That Sunday will go down as one of the most interesting, exciting, and happy days in my life, I would imagine.  Walking out of the hotel, the sky was almost as black as night, thunder and lightening shot through the dark clouds that swiftly moved across the sky.  I was happy and elated, like a child. We got in the car and started driving back toward the mall, when all of a sudden tons of hail rained down from the sky.  Luckily we quickly found a bridge and watched the big balls of ice bounding down through the openings between the bridges - cascading even.  It was amazing!  I've never seen anything like it! After 15 minutes it was over, and we wound up at the mall, walking over what looked like bug eggs - all the melting hail. We spent a long time in William Sonoma, one of Theron's favorite stores - and yet another reason I love him.   I think it is adorable he wants to own every kitchen gadget that exists ;)  The mall felt completely different on this Sunday morning - well dressed people wandered around, there was a sense of peace and happiness.  We entered the ring shop and the salesgirl remarked on how sparkley my bracelet had been the previous day. (Swarovski of course, Theron's birthday gift to me).  She was nice and laid back, and we had fun talking about and trying on different rings.  We fell in love with two of them and on the drive home tried to decide what to do about that. Theron wanted me to have them both, and wear them immediately. I explained to him the point of a proposal - that he has been planning for months now and wont tell me anything about - was that that is when you get the ring. He said we could do what ever we want and I can have the ring as soon as it arrives. I said "no lovie, you have to present the ring at the proposal!" So he decided then I will get a 'pre-engagement' ring and another, gorgeous, elegant ring at the proposal. We excitedly ordered the first ring, and he photoshopped customizations to the other and emailed it to their design department. We were really excited, and Theron started singing one of his made up silly songs, but this time made me sing 'bling bling' when he pointed at me.   Let's say it went something like: "Puppy gonna put some..." (looks at me) "bling bling!" I try to quickly say "on your finger, some..." (looks at me) "bling-bling!" "to make you happy"  etc   :) Theron said I seem even happier than he thought I  would, and I admit - I FEEL happier than I ever thought I would be, so it comes as a shock to me too, but a very happy and (Ill overuse the word again) exciting one :)   So far on the order for my pre-engagement ring, it just says "order approved" which means it hasnt shipped yet... And I know it said it would take "12-14" business days ....so I am easily looking at a 2 week wait. ALAS!   In the infamous words of Verruca Salt. "I want it now!"   But I  guess I can wait a couple weeks;)  It is going to be so pretty, and so exciting! Wee what fun! :) I will put up pix as soon as she gets here:)   -Val! 7 comments|post comment

Snow Day. 750 words entry [02 Feb 2011|09:39am] [ mood | depressed ] I get these emails daily, as you would expect. They tell me, try to encourage me, to write 750 words a day.  Some days I am entirely uninspired. What is there to write about - especially in January when I was sitting behind a desk at the JCC up north from 5:30 AM till 1:30 PM - would I write about how my life seems to be going nowhere? Last night was our first 'sort of' blizzard. We got just under two feet of snow, but I always expected more from blizzards... probably due to watching too much TV as a kid while simultaneously growing up in Texas where snow was as likely as raining pigs.  I stupidly (because it isn't intelligent or logical) drank too much champagne while we were cooking so the videos my boyfriend took of the snow have me sounding moronic, childlike, drunk, all of which are of course not good things.  I cried this morning because I thought he might stay home and have a 'snow day' with me, because he was vacillating on going or staying, though you could almost see the strings of devotion tying him to his job, and the tension the idea of not going was causing, the strings wrapping tightly around his chest.  It pained me, he was leisurely drinking his coffee but was no doubtless going to work. I snapped at him to get on with it then.  This after having cried a bit because I wanted him to stay, like a spoiled child. While he showered I made us breakfast of ham, eggs, tomatos, and an english muffin. It was good. We sat and talked and he was trying to get me to see that he had to go to work because he'd promised he'd be there. It wasn't that I didn't understand - in times of better economic conditions I myself had a job and responsiblities and commitments I should not or could not leave fall. But it still made me cry. He said he "How can I leave with you crying like this?" I said,"please don't mistake my crying for an attempt to make you stay, it is only how I feel." He left, I told him to take pictures on the way and be careful. I feel guilty and stupid for trying to get him to stay when I know work is important. More important than playing in the snow the day after my first blizzard. If I can travel Europe alone I can go play in the snow by myself in Chicago, can't I?  So far I've heard back from Amber and Sara and they are staying in today.  What can you do? I should start working on my novel again, and also on my children's book. I was very proud of myself yesterday. I'd lugged the laundry to the laundromat just before 10 AM yesterday and did 3 huge loads, then dried them in 2 huge dryers, then folded everything and arranged them in the baskets that it took me almost no time to put away later in the day. I lugged both full and heavy baskets up 3 flights up stairs, then went grocery shopping and got predominately healthy food for us.  I put all that away also after 2 trips up, but unwittingly forgot my backpack in the car. Theron came home and washed the muscles I'd bought, and we started creating our broth, I had champagne and some dry sausage I like. More info was posted to facebook about Congress's wretched and inhuman new rape bill - with a link to sign a petition. I forwarded it to everyone only to get a very negative response from someone that increased my somewhat already foul mood. Whatever. -Val! Today is what you make it. Mine will involve snow drifts and wandering. Wait, I have to write another hundred words... why is this being so difficult for me right now? The El train roars past unencumbered by the snow.  Theron has written something to me on gchat. This morning he sad I am often sad.  I've heard that one from boyfriends before. Boyfriends past. I should not be in such a low mood. I feel like it is not doable - the getting out and going. But it is, and I will because I have to. Anything else would be an affront to myself and a lie. But at some point real things need to be accomplished, even if they are just finishing my novel and working on my children's book. And how my entry broke down, always somewhat interesting to see: http://750words.com/entries/share/538639 post comment

my eyes hurt and feel tired [19 Jan 2011|12:03pm] [ mood | morose ] and my stomach is grumbling slightly. weird ways emotions affect us. It is not good or right to be called in the middle of the morning to be told Friday is your last day at work b/c they've found someone permanent to replace you. I was shocked - really shocked.  I went to the bathroom (making sure there was someone to cover the desk for me, of course) because the tears were pushing up quickly to my eyes. Damn feminity.  I called Theron, choking a few crunched up sobs. He was surprised, He said I should just go home. I wish I could have. I would rather be curled up under a warm blanket right now. I don't feel like going to talk to my counselor but whatever. I am just waiting for the day to end. I find it somewhat absurd I have to come back for 2 more days. Theron said, "we've rearranged our lives for that job!" which is true, but only for a month. And it has been depressing me, never knowing if some disgruntled JCC member is going to yell at me, realizing the highlight of my day might be folding construction paper or printing labels or putting together 200 folders as fast as I can just to show how fast and good I am. Like that mattered. But driving home feeling down or disgruntled. Because I am making in a week what I should be making in a day. Because I was promised 40 hours and somehow only get paid for 37.50. Well, whatever, back to waking up later and making Theron's coffee instead of him making mine. Back to not having to do the 'car scramble' in the mornings, or have Theron help me scrape the ice from my windows. The music coming from my car, his little dance, our last good morning kiss through my car window before driving up north to open this place. I dont want to come back the next 2 days. We will see if I can manage it. Right now my heart just feels abused. Stupid sadness getting caught in my throat again. The feeling of feeling wronged. Couldn't she at least have emailed me? or called me after I get off at 1:30 so I could have handled it on my own and not in the middle of my work day? I asked Shari if I'd done something wrong. She said, "no did they say that? of course not, I have been interviewing because I need someone permanent."  Ok.. thanks.. good to know. 1 more hour till Jackie gets here. and i will leave early since I got here at 5:15 and didnt take a lunch. I dont know if i will leave at 1:15 or even earlier.  Maybe I'll ask Shari.   Hannah told me not to be sad. Well whatever. It's not a job I want but it was a job and I was trying. I was trying to do this 'for us'. Theron was trying to be encouraging. 'You could pay rent with the money you're making - that's a good thing.' I could pay rent in a week and a half if i was doing my editor work. but that's decidedly NEITHER here nor there. That is a past and it no longer exists. Now I am a wounded creature sitting at a front desk keeping the tears right behind my eyeballs. Jackie arrives early (11:42). interesting... Ah she's here to go eat before her shift starts. You know a cpl ppl here called me 'Smilie' - and yesterday Jackie asked why I wasnt my normal smilie self.  'found out i wasnt getting the 40 hours i was promised' o well now. whatever. should push and work the next 2 days. they cant feel as bad as today can they? Supposed to go to councelor at 3. sigh. curl up in a ball and cry - that sounds good. more productive. more what my soul wants to do. Not trek down in the cold to talk to Chelsea and end up crying most likely anyway. o well whatever. its not like i can or *should* not finish out the week. I could have spent today doing somethins creative or some interesting reading instead of spending it feeling bitter and holding back tears. o fucking well. -val! 2 comments|post comment

Christmas trees are nice, good weekend, sad it's sunday night [05 Dec 2010|07:54pm] [ mood | stuffed ] "Where were you when I was burned and broken?" - Pink Floyd Songs have played a fairly large part in my day... Sunday.. a sunny Sunday... and I woke at 7:30 (or just before, really), and walked to the kitchen for more tea where the sun was just rising and strikingly striking the trees across the El track in a gorgeous golden way against their snow-covered white ground and boughs. I ran to the bedroom and grabbed my phone, ran back to the kitchen - at this point even more light struck the trees. Despite the fact I was *not* clothed for the temperature, I opened the doors and stepped out onto the back porch to take a picture of the 'cemetery trees.'  - Hence I had 'One Headlight' by the Wallflowers stuck in my head all morning, because it goes,... "As I listened through the cemetery trees!" Then I downloaded Locust's cover of Depeche Modes' "Master and Servant" - a song I've always enjoyed (their cover being much better) and that of course I knew Theron would like.  We sat there listening to music, reading emails, doing whatever morning bull crap we could think of before finally running the few errands we wanted to run... to  get some stuff for dinner and some more decorations for the house and tree.  Of course now Theron is in a food coma so the tree will not get done tonight.  He thinks that upsets me but it doesn't at all. It is only the 5th of December, and working on it longer will only allow us to drag out the fun (and Christmas music) that much more:) Besides, I am stuffed as well.  This stupid computer keeps lagging everything at the end of my Pink Floyd song I am listening to on repeat. Today we both felt genuinely happy. It was nice and refreshing given what stressors we've been dealing with lately.  It made me at least feel again like - yes, what we have really is REAL and good and forever. He too seemed very happy, and had said 'I love you' many more times then when it occurred to me to start counting this morning as we still lay in bed.  Over 70, but that was way later in the morning. I used to count when we first started dating :) That is just in the morning, waking up together, cuddling and kissing. And that is also excluding all of his statements that "You are mine, mine mine!"  And "puppy kitty forever!! love forever and ever"... I mean really, unless you're me maybe it's disgusting or appalling but for me - and how genuine he seems it's wonderful.  Even if he was an energy incubus to me this morning - as I had woke with gusto at 7:30... he woke with a headache and didn't get out of bed.  . . I checked the computer and whatnot,... then laid back down to hold him for a bit... wound up falling asleep - falling  back asleep for 2 more hours!! and then he kept gently rubbing my skin and face, and cuddling so comfortably with me, i couldn't wake up if i wanted to - the incubus!!!  He laughed when I called him that (and explained what an incubus is;) and continued with his incubus activities, and I drifted in and out of strange dreams till finally, just after 11, I demanded he stop his bed-captivating ways and help us get UP!!   I couldn't even get up so I begged him to make coffee. He did and sat at the dining room table bitching about a parking ticket he got that makes no sense... Finally I climbed out of bed (with my coffee) and we laid out our game plan.... we looked at all the xmas and xmas eve options for dinner... and since we were pretty sure what we want to do, but not 100%,  we printed the menu options we were hedging toward to go over them later, then got ready to go to Target... Still no car key in sight, I was disconcerted... sigh... but we walked to Target (after I gave Theron some rudimentary French lessons) and got some Xmasy stuff. Dropping that off at the house, we went to Jewel and got some groceries, the trip there was punctuated with a fun 'puppy pony' piggy back ride ;). Then we were homeward bound to have our decadent dinner and continue Christmas tree & fireplace decorating :)  It looks nice, but we have lots more ornaments to go... So all in all it was a good night, and had we eaten less, it prolly would've been a great one... but no huge loss.... now we can have more time in the morning. :) PS:  I should've mentioned it's Sunday... how on the good weekends I loathe Mondays - I just want to spend more fun free easy breezy time with the love I will have for the rest of my life! (Thank you God who art in Heaven;) [God to be read as a generality] Peace! -Val! [lykins] Stats on this entry (kinda fun :) http://750words.com/entries/share/417088 post comment

Succubus [03 Dec 2010|01:39pm] [ mood | awake ] Well, I already messed up on the '750' words for this month as I didn't write yesterday. I was just feeling extremely tired and sluggish. Theron contends that I still have a cold. I rage against this notion, though the fact of the matter is my eyes are red and dry, my throat is either dry or full of mucus draining from my nose, and I have lacked some energy.  So a cold or just seasonal allergies... At least the theraflu helped some yesterday. I wrote - or came up with by singing - a rather silly song earlier about our finances because Theron's parents seem rather worried about his financial situation, I being a liability and all.   o well I should just go run errands and not worry anymore about what his parents think of me.  According to my friend Peter, they think I'm a succubus.  That's nice, I've never been a succubus before. I was stressing and obsessing yesterday most of the day about the phone call Theron had received the day before from his father informing him he was to go to Wheeling, WV for Christmas and that he could 'take some time away from his Texas time.' This infuriated Theron, though he said nothing, just sat fuming for a handful of minutes. I said, "If his comment upset you why don't you just call him back and tell him it upset you?"  We had been talking for the better part of 40 minutes already about what we should do regarding Christmas - drive to Wheeling, etc. Theron was concerned about how long it would take to get there, what flights might cost, that it would be boring, etc. He decided he'd rather just drive his brother Michael down to Peoria to drop him off with his dad, then we could head back to Chicago having seen some of his family. I said, "You wouldn't be able to see Jon, Alexander, or your mom that way."  He said, "I know, but they could come see us anytime. Mom's not working and Peoria is only 3 hours away.  And we can fly to California to see my brothers sometime probably." This was the decision he had come up with prior to his father's bullying phone call. After sitting in silence fuming for a few minutes, he calmed down, looked up at me, and rather at discord to what I would have expected, said, "So, about going to West Virginia, would you?"  We had already discussed in detail that I would, of course, go with him and he had shot the trip down from many vantage points. When I said he could go alone, he shot it down in the same fashion. I was shocked that, instead of wanting to go less, he was considering going more. He said he felt more obligated than ever - having been blatantly told by his father to come. I said, "You are 30 years old with your own life and opinions, why can't you just talk to him?"  His response was that it would start a fight and nothing good would come of it.  I said it did not necessarily have to start a fight - just being open with your father and telling him how you feel, but he disagreed, stating it is better to keep quiet. Why? Because *not* discussing things and pretending something like this phone call never happened will solve anything? The next day he went to work and found out from his 'boss' that his coworker had already requested time off around Christmas so Theron couldn't taken any. "That solves that." He said... I really didn't feel like that solved the underlying problem, and said as much, but let it go as he at least seemed relieved with having a conclusion made. That night, his father texted him, asking if he could ask him 'personal' questions about our relationship.  It boiled down to his father asking how much of a 'financial liability' I have been since Theron has "allowed" me to move in, as well as "all" the items that have been "lost and stolen." Wha-What?  How did he find out about my bicycle theft ring? I thought I had kept that on the down-low? Damn. I guess I have to tell Theron now. *shakes head* He then went on to say I've "changed [Theron's] circumstances" and "I'm not sure I'm seeing the better side of Theron after a year." (Actually, almost a year and a half, thank you.)   He wouldn't actually respond to anything Theron brought up, or any of his questions, and said he was being defensive - though of course how could he not be when his father isn't even answering his questions?  He was angrily yelling, "Jesus! He's calling you a liability!"  Succubus that I am.  He only said, "Sorry you're so defensive. Good luck with your girlfriend."  And to Theron's wishes that he would stop being negative and just be happy for and supportive of us, his one response was 'read her [blog]' - he said Yelp blog but of course meant Livejournal.  Theron knew about my LJ before we even started dating, and knew - though Theron had been a rather private person when we met - that he, becoming part of my life, would end up on my blog, as would my concerns, stresses, fears, etc. I probably shouldn't have written a post when I was tipsy the night after making wassail (grogg, Glogg, etc) or when I was down.  In fact we did just fine this month with our money - it is a moving line that you can go over or under and it moves with you along through your spending over the course of the month. I felt the need to make my blog private because of this, though since I started it back in 2001 I said it was something I'd never do. I've always liked my life being an open book, and while at times I realize I've come off as an angst-ridden brat (I'll say, college years), and at times as a empty vessel (I'd say, around 2005-6 or even more recently, post traumatic events that had occurred), it was always a nice outlet, and nice to have an outlet. This morning Theron's mother sent a lovely photo to me (and everyone) of her 'Christmas cactus' that had bloomed "for the first time on time."  I wrote her back and said it was lovely, and we had a nice, pleasant chitchat about the flowers on it, Hanukkah, and books before she left for her morning walk.  The family somewhat perplexes me. Why is his mom sometimes so nice and cheerful and chatty and fun (though we text far less than we once did, which I enjoyed then, but what can you do?) - and at other times, aloof? And his dad, who decidedly seems to have it out for me, would doubtless act nice in my presence. Or one would imagine, as has been the case the 4 other times I've seen him. As Peter would say, 'you evil liability succubus, dragging Theron down to the murky depths of financial and personal ruin.'  Peter went on to add that Theron's father must not have much faith in him: "Either Theron has fallen for a scamming, conniving, temptress bent on bringing financial disaster and he doesn't realize it. OR Theron isn't capable of making adult decisions, is easily dupable, stupid; willing to ruin his life by making reckless and uninformed decisions."  What does Peter think of Theron? "He is a very bright man. He loves you and you influence him greatly, but I certainly don't think its to his detriment. He isn't crazy. He makes sound judgments for the most part. You both just need better jobs to allow you more freedom to shape your future together with marriage and a house."   Sounds good to me. Anyone in DC, NYC, Chi-town or LA hiring an editor/post-producer?  With that in mind, anyone in those places hiring an excellent CIO as well? At least I feel better this morning. It was nice to sleep a long time, and chat with Theron's mom in a civilized, if also in a pretending-last-night-did-not-happen, sort of way. Theron & I have known each other and been great friends for 2 1/2 years. We have been together as a committed and loving couple for over a year. We have a long way to go time-wise and some points to work on maturity-wise, but I think, all in all, we are doing very well. And I am excited about the present, and the near future.  Today after running errands I will go to get Xmas lights and maybe even a tree... we will start exchanging fall decorations for Christmas ones, and tomorrow we will visit the Christmas Market downtown and see the lights in the Lincoln Park Zoo. We may even decide where we will spend our Christmas dinner, as I emailed Theron several options.  Either way, it will be fun, we will be together, in the city that we love.  Now I'm just waiting for Theron to be done training a doctor at work so I can get my car keys and run my errands. Some of them I could walk to, mind you, like the post office... but... er...  *looks around* *taps fingers on table*  *coughs* Good enough for now, -Val! At least in a decent mood :) 6 comments|post comment

lame and half drunk update [28 Nov 2010|12:09am] [ mood | bored ] Hah. My dad is yawning. He, my mom, my boyfriend, and myself are all seated around the dining room table in Theron & my's apartment.  We have just had bbq cooked on the pit my dad made me years ago when I was probably 20 and still in college.   I just read them my last entry about WW2, and before that we were 2-stepping around our dining room table.  Now they are joking about GPS machines and how inaccurate they are. They asked me if I had written my 750 words today but you know, I haven't.  My mom says we were 'colder than hell' today - it's a funny concept isn't it?  Cold and hell only being (as far as I know) paired in Dante's Inferno... Otherwise isn't hell supposed to be hot? at least as hot as Texas, as I've heard ;)  We did walk over to Fulton's and the place opened an hour later than when we'd arrived, so we didn't get to have our truffled eggs... but considering how full dinner made us, I think that was a blessing more than anything.   We just needed to warm up, having been on the boat for almost and hour and a half for an architecture tour...  It was, according to a thermometer on the Trib building - 38 - but I disbelieve this as it felt a bit colder. It was fun, to show them Julius Meinl that morning for a late breakfast.. and have crazy, cheese-lade foods for our breakfast/lunch... and to FINALLY go on an architecture tour on the river -and not just with friends - but with Theron, Mom and Dad also!  They mentioned the Museum of Science and Industry we had been to the day before, and the world's fair, and shocked us with the old post office that has been vacant for over a hundred years. Sigh. Sigh. it just came out of my nose.  A sigh. This entry is worth, shall I say, nien.  Mom asked if I'd ridden a Metra train yet. no not yet.. but someday (soon i hope, maybe in December snow;P) Speaking of December, apparently I have a distant cousin that has a few cabins in the "LP" or Lower Peninsula of Michigan, and she said she'd leave them open for Theron and I to go in December or even the Spring time...  Mom said Theron and I should spend our Xmas holidays there,... but i haven't mentioned it yet... b/c what if he wants to spend it with his family? (Horror).... Mom and Dad are now going to bed.., "Time for Bed" and "Cmon Babe" - my dad said to my mom... you'd think they were bound together and sleeping in the same room.  But no - dad is on an air mattress in our 'art' room and mom is on the fold out futon in our living room... Dad wants to get mom a kindle for her xmas present... she said 'only if he buys the books too...'  makes sense really - mom buys books from resale shops for quite cheap, but even kindle books are only a few dollars off the Full-sale price. What else do I have to say?  Things I cant mention here.... My boyfriend says he loves me, is in love with me...... in love - in love what does that mean? I'm typo-ing like nobody's business and i wish i had written this earlier before i was tispy because it's pissing me off all the typos and the nothing to write about.  I have TWO fucking HUNDRED more words to write. SO fine they wont mean anything... I thought Chicago was a ghost town or a brawling town, a seedy, industrial, and yet savage town. I thought cows might still be slaughtered here their blood running into the street same as the blood from the whores hooking themselves out under streetlamps I thought. But Chicago is a town full of theatre and opera you can see Broadway shows (like 'Wicked' which I've seen before and would like to see again *WITH SOMEONE* as i took myself the first time, here, and was alone.) and of course it is still a town where on the southside kids get shot in playgrounds for god know what reason the south side is predominately black - you know - and hey, that must mean something doesn't it? except Barack Obama came from there but not from the projects but from hyde park which when i saw it yesterday didn't look like much but I'm guessing his home really was something. it doenst matter we dont have a mayor Giuliani to clean up Chicago it is not a new york not like that not so safe - Theron's bikes were stolen from the stairs outside our apt... on the 3rd floor and i feel  i could go out on a night and something bad could happen.... something that would not have happened in Rutherford, New Jersey but u make your choices and any fucking way done. http://750words.com/entries/share/399490 post comment

A day trip to the museum of Science and Industry w/my Parents :) [26 Nov 2010|06:11pm]  The El rolls quietly past as I type this. I am writing much later than normal. This morning my writing would have only been filled with my own neuroses and psychoses!!! Sorry, those added "!"'s were because my dad just informed me the Aggies beat my Longhorns 21 to 17. Sigh! That is so unfair - something not to be thankful for. I blame it on his wearing a maroon shirt yesterday when the game was goin' down. At any rate, My mind is slightly tired from three and a half hours touring the Museum of Science and industry here in Chicago.  Submerged in a wooded southern area of Chicago, it is the only grand building left over from the Chicago World's Fair, or the 'Columbus Exposition' and is a marvel of architecture in and of itself.  I have been there probably 4 times by now, and while I still love the museum itself, like any museums with not-too-frequently changing exhibits, I saw much of the same stuff again. Still, I was happy to see my parents watch 'tornadoes' being made, and 'avalanches' created; happy to watch them marvel at the train set that takes up a whole room, with El trains, Metra trains, freighter trains, Amtrack trains, and a train specifically aimed at the heart of my father: a train carrying John Deere tractors and cargo.  After this, however, we had to go see the submarine. The last time I went with Mom, we spent what felt like forever in the submarine room.  This time, we walked in and my parents read every single plaque, watched all the videos, and then once in the room marveled at all the histories of the war.  While I don't consider my parents old by any stretch, they were born right after this war had ended, or at least a few years after, so as children they doubtless heard stories from their parents about what it was like to live through WW2, just as I have heard many a story from one of my grandmother's about it.  To them, this history, having touched so firmly their own childhoods, was far more present and interesting than it was to me, a 30 year old born 31 years after the war ended. And it was only a war that lasted a few years mind you. Think of the countries that had "thirty year" wars or even battles waging on for centuries.  Who knows though, it's not like we haven't fought battles since I've been around, just not on the same scale with the same patriotic gung-ho advertising as we had in the past. Today wars are fought far off and media is unreliable.  It's funny to think - Communist countries in their worst days were barred from learning about the rest of the world and were spoon-fed what their dictatorships would have them believe.   Here, our votes are a farce and cast as such, as well as miss-counted, and if not that, we vote (why?) ridiculously for a half black president whose only known word is 'change'.  - And who hasn't changed much that I can see, for the good anyway. I was watching a not so great music video for a not so great song by a UK artist the other day about the history of Russia, and it struck me how true it always is:  We want what we don't have; We want this, we want that, Socialism, Dictatorship, Free Market economy, and so on, and so on, an endless loop of things that seem good, go bad, and then are always at the best time, seeming better than they ever really are. Mom said when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor, the commander of the Japanese Navy said they had no idea what they'd done by attacking us.  He said they had 'awakened a sleeping giant.'  I said it was sad - no one would ever say that about us now. What sleeping giant are we? We are a blundering oaf, waging quiet wars, lying to everyone, probably even to ourselves. Bumping around in the night, and who knows what we are after. The other day Sara showed me before and after pictures of Hiroshima... it was horrible. Previously, a bustling city with its own buildings, architectures, streets, life!  After - nothing, complete desolation; wiped out in moment in a circular pattern.   We were so proud of what we'd done, of the force we'd shown.  (In the musem today, I saw the USA had actually made A-bomb bathing suits!) I used to be of two minds about it... about Hiroshima and Nagasaki... it was wrong, but it ended, switfly and efficiently, the war. Though think of this - would the same two bombs, dropped in the middle of the military districts or the palaces of the Nazi Leader and the Japanese Emperor, not have been equally as a effective? Certainly, truly, many innocent people would also still have been killed (and yes, to another trajedy, gorgeous architecture forever lost) - but at least we would have killed the people that, in our minds, 'deserved' killing.  Such is the hideousness of war, you wind up mutilating someting.... and really to what end?  To claim who has the better toy? The bigger gun?  'I am a big man (yes i am) and i have a big gun.'  -NiN Anyway, the submarine exhibit was still boring. -Val! post comment

Happy Thanksgiving! [25 Nov 2010|09:22am] [ mood | awake ] Here is a stupid entry from my 750 words, from suggestions and comments overheard from Dad, Theron, and Mom as I typed... :P On a long stretch of road, on a cold morning in late November, a lonely Puppy-Pony wandered alone, lost, with no GPS to guide him.  He had wandered in this land before, he thought, but that was back when the grass grew high and the trees were filled with leaves.  Now, the ground was yellowed and cracked from drought, though currently, slowly starting, drops of ice cold rain and pellets of sleet were pounding his fur.  He looked up the road ahead, sighing.  'If only I could get some coffee' he though to himself. Other thoughts had been bothering him all morning as well, that facebook was actually trademarking the word "face" in regards to the internet. "How ridiculous!" He exclaimed aloud, his voice carried off in the howl of the wind.  He pulled out his android phone to update his facebook status to "FACE FACE FACE" but remembered it was dead, hence no GPS.  Another sigh issued from his lungs, as he pulled his coat tight around him, and continued on. Not far up the road, another traveler, a Truck driver by the name of Jupe, was sauntering in to a savory crepe shop named "Mr Helsinki." He showed his badge, and was allowed into the secure area. Once inside, he was poured his usual hot cup of joe as he opened the news paper. The waitress handed him a sim card, and he put it in the small laptop he'd carried in under his arm. He filled in the password screen, and saw the surrounding areas currently, as well as activities from the night before.  He was surprised that the shipments of 'noir' goods had gone out the previous night without the slightest bit of trouble. Sometimes, in these far off lands, when the weather worsened, the freights were frequently attacked, their blackmarket goods stolen and sold on an even lower market.  He noticed a blip on the screen - an animal of sorts, walking alone in the cold. "That just ain't right." Jupe said.  He knew it was below freezing at this point, and whatever creature was out there wouldn't last long, despite the large fur coat he seemed to be wearing. He tossed the sim to the waitress, said, "thanks Wilma." The paused, eying the kitchen. "Do y'all ever clean that stove?"  She smiled and said, "that ain't my job, Jupe." Back into his big rig, Jupe barreled down the freezing roads, sleet pounding at his windshield, his wipers throwing it to this side or that.  Along the way he spotted a singular apartment with a balcony upon which a woman was smoking.  He pulled over and shouted out to her, "Hey Lady, don't you know it's freezing out here?" "Screw it, I needed a cigarette." "You can't smoke inside?" She didn't respond. "You seen a strange creature wandering around these parts?" "I see all kinds of strange things.  Next one I see, I'm gonna shoot him and cook him up on my barbecue pit."  She gestured with her thumb toward a miraculously designed, gleaming red barbecue. "Well that's a gorgeous pit, lady." "Thanks, I make 'em myself." "Hey lady, don't go bbq'ing this creature, I think there's something special about him." She shrugged and waved as Jupe drove off down the road. By now, the Puppy-pony had gotten quite cold, though had not lost his determination. He knew somewhere up the road lay the bright lights and warm bars of Chicago. Somewhere.   Soon enough he heard the crunching tires and churning engine of an 18 wheeler coming from the North. It haulted, barely visible in the storm that had brewed beyond comprehension.  A wail of a truck horn sounded in the distance, and the Puppy-pony trotted up to the window. "Son, I don't know what you are, but don't you know you'll freeze to death out here?" "I'm trying to get to Chicago, but my scooter broke down a few miles back and my phone is dead - so I couldn't call my girl to pick me up, and I guess by luck I was able to follow the road in the right direction." "Need a lift?" Jupe asked, swinging the side door open. "You headed that way?" "I sure am." Jupe responded plainly. "I thank ya kindly, Mister," Puppy-pony said as he climbed into the warmth of the cab. "So what exactly is you, son?" "I'm a Puppy-pony. Really, I am just a man who is as devoted to his girl as a puppy to their master, and as strong and sturdy as a pony." "Sounds like you're a dumb ox to me." Puppy-pony shrugged. "I've been called worse." A few hours later, they arrived in Chicago.  They made their way up the back steps of an apartment - all three flights. They reached a wooden balcony that faced the El tracks. Upon this balcony sat the same woman Jupe had spotted on the road, and next to her, another barbecue pit. "Damn Woman, I can't seem to escape you." Said Jupe. "You like this pit?" She asked, sucking on her cigarette. "I like the longhorn symbol on the top." She smiled. "It's for our daughter." Jupe looked confused, but at that moment the door opened and a girl with crazy, bright and multicolored hair bounded outside. "YAY dad you made it!!" She squealed, and jumped up to hug him.  Over his shoulder she could see the Puppy-pony, his coat had dried in the truck, an was shiny and marvelous.  "And you found my boyfriend!!!" The girl leapt into his arms and covered him with kisses. "Sweet baby, good to have you home. Can you clean the stove?" And they all went inside, as it was, of course, Thanksgiving. 1 comment|post comment

[24 Nov 2010|09:02am] [ mood | blah ] It's morning again. Maybe I shouldn't write in the mornings. Maybe I should've written yesterday when I was feeling raw sadness - but was curled up on the bed with my head on the chest of my love.  What a strange thing.  I had felt accomplished, having spent hours at the laundromat doing our clothes, and waited at his work for half an hour to give him a ride home, reading over my Czech phrase book. In the interim at the laundromat I'd written a couple thousand words for my book, so all in all, I was feeling somewhat if not wholly productive.  I was thinking happily to myself: maybe we could even walk down in the 32 (but feels like 24) degree weather to Yoshi's for tuna tartar and oyster shooters.   When we got home, Theron, being impressively much stronger than me, carried the baskets of clothes up our three flights of stairs.  I wouldn't say my mood was chipper, but it was content and he was very happy that I'd done the laundry.  He carried it into the bedroom and I started putting things away. As we'd come in, I'd taken off my tennis shoes and was at that moment standing in the bedroom in my socks, putting his underwear and socks away.  (God how domesticated do I sound?)  He said, "aww! You took your shoes off!!"  I felt so happy, and thought that was quite funny, I wanted to take him immediately into the other room and read him my '750' words of the morning about the shoe rule. However, he took that moment to sit on the bed and say, "we are on budget. or really just a bit over." I frowned, "for food?" "For everything." "We're overbudget for everything?" So the depression set in... We'd been trying to do so good this month, and of course I'd been spending money too, on groceries and whatnot, but clearly, not enough. I put my t-shirts away and told him to hang up his long sleeved shirts.  Clearly my depression filled up the room and he said there was no reason to be down. I hadn't had my heart set on Yoshi's, mind you, but I had also thought we would go to Costco and get paper towels and toilet paper, maybe the grocery store for necessary items for Thanksgiving. Now all that was something that would push us even more over budget, or be coming out of my savings, and either way, would not be at all enjoyable, as the sadness had taken me over.  After putting away the laundry and the towels, I curled up on the bed next to Theron.  He positioned himself so my head was on his chest. Our room is clean, and the little lamp was shining orange against the wall, as our bedroom light is broken in some strange way.  The darkness was already pitch black outside, though it was maybe 5:30.  We lay there for a while, tears snaking out of my eyes.  He was surprised I was crying. "I feel so happy, who cares about money? It is nothing when you think about it - it isn't anything compared to who we are. I could be completely broke, would we still be us? Would I still be so happy and in love? Yes. This is an amazing thing - I love you so much, I am happy."  He thought I was bored. I'd said I was bored.  I don't know why. The idea of cooking and staying in and even if we had gone out - the same old same old of routine... but I wasn't bored, I was depressed, and laid their crying some, cuddled up comfortably against this boy who loves me, who is happy to be with me even when I'm suddenly depressed again by our stupid budget.  I moped into the other room and tried to cry more, as my counselor suggested I let myself "feel how I'm feeling" and maybe crying would let me feel relaxed afterwards.  I cried only a little more, but managed to use up the couple of kleenex we had left. (On our shopping list "kleenex for every room")... I went into the 'dungeon' - or storage room - gloomily to look at our food to see what to make for dinner.  I asked Theron if he wanted to taste the vodka's we'd infused a couple days before. We tasted the cranberry - it did indeed taste like cranberry vodka. Success! Theron thought it would be sweet, but of course, Cranberries are not sweet. Then we tried the serrano vodka - and wow, was it good!! It smelled great (Theron pointed this out before we tasted it) and tasted even better - and was of course spicy. I'd say we were pleased with ourselves. Who knew infusing vodka was so easy?  I wanted to infuse some with this BBQ spice I bought the other day, I thought it would be a fun drink to make for Dad, but we haven't gotten the supplies for that yet, and today is Wednesday. The Wednesday before Thanksgiving, mind you - and Mom and Dad are 5 hours away... or they were when they called, both far too chipper, an hour ago from a 'Wally World' in Mt. Vernon, IL.  I drove Theron to work this morning, he chipper too as Mom and Dad's call had gotten me swiftly out of bed to check on our tea supply. (I think this amused him, as I had been asking to snooze and cuddle, but the phone call got me out of bed as quick as an electric shock).  I was a 'grump-a-lump-a-gus' despite his good mood also. I refused to be in a good mood, and anyway, I felt hungover from both alcohol and the chips and salsa I'd drunkenly ordered him to go get at 9PM or so. At least he managed to order the tamales for Thanksgiving because of this. As I drove him to work he sang his happy songs, and made silly remarks about 'bringing the Thunder, and the Lightening' and acting like some thug.  I love how soft his cheeks are in the morning after shaving, and how he smells, and for some reason he loves how I smell - that must be another part of his insanity.  I dropped him off at work, with a swift kiss, as he saw someone he works with who is quitting. I smiled at this coworker I do not know as he entered, then looked at myself in the mirror. I frowned. I was a mess. hair unkempt, no makeup, still in my pajamas... (not that he could tell that, mind you, to anyone else it would just look like an "I <3 NYC" shirt... they wouldn't have seen the puffly light blue pants covered with stars and clouds that I was also wearing.) At any rate, now I am sitting in front of my lappy, typing in a rambling fashion, having left a voicemail at the counselor's seeing if it is 'ok' if I miss today. Though I know you're supposed to give 24 hour notice so I might have to pay for it, either way.  And I have ingested liquids, and need to do my hair and makeup, and get dressed, and head out into the world. Or at least clean up the table... Thanksgiving waits for no man. Or so it seems. Time to bring the thunder.  Nature itself, according to the weather reports, will be bringing the rain all on its own. the link for this entry: http://750words.com/entries/share/395514 post comment

Apologies in advance? [23 Nov 2010|10:08am] [ mood | blah ] If I do this '750words.com' thing I really might have updates every day... meaning some will be trivial... ie: I have to do the laundry today. Well, I don't "have to" but, when I asked where the quarters were my boyfriend was exceptionally enthusiastic about how helpful that would be - me getting the laundry done.  He'd swept and swiffered the floor in the dining room and hallway a few days ago, but when I came home from class last night, he asked me if I could not wear my shoes in the house. Huh? I'd been wearing them all weekend. Somehow, though, Monday night, a 'no shoes in the house' law has become in effect.  This morning I put my shoes on in the dining room where I left them, and walked down the hall to go down the steps to the front door and put our names on the mailbox. I felt like I was somehow breaking the rules. He had asked if he got me slippers to wear, would I wear those inside instead of shoes... What about running up and down the stairs of the building? What do I wear then? Slippers? or tennis shoes? And there is a front door and a backdoor to our apartment. Do I have to carry my shoes to the door then complete my dressing ritual? I like to wear my shoes. In fact, if I get dressed in the morning, shoes are part of that process. I used to hate going over to my aunts house *because* I had to take off my shoes when I went in. There's a level of comfort there, or of security, or of my own psychosis. I don't like having to take my shoes off when I enter the house. But when I came back up from putting the stickers on the mailbox, I took them off. I left them in the doorway of our bedroom, across from the apartment door. The bedroom, by the way, does look much nicer. Theron wants to keep it that way. You have to love when someone accomplishes something - like cleaning up the bedroom - even if this is predominately done by moving the offending articles into the dining room for me to sort through. They then have an air of authority about them; they can say to you, 'and let's try to keep it this way' or 'let's try not to have piles of clothes lying around.'  I could protest, and almost did, but didn't see the point... mainly because my mind had worked out the argument already. 'I only wore that shirt today for a few hours in class... it really isn't dirty, it doesn't belong in the dirty clothes yet' which will lead to many more shirts like that winding up in a 'not dirty yet' pile. Maybe there is some kind of efficient way to deal with this. There has to be. It wouldn't be fair for me to not have my stash of go-to clothes that have only been worn for an hour or so. We just need a system, that's all, it's not the end of the world. But laundry. Blah. I hate the idea of going to the laundromat. At least it's a pretty day today. Yesterday it was storming all day, and the weather report for the rest of the week doesn't look promising. It's a shame because it had purported sunshine the past week and didn't deliver, and the same for this week as well. Now there are suggestions of snow, and predictions of rain, which means - for a Momma and a Poppa Jupe coming up for Thanksgiving, trying to show off the radiance of Chicago will be a bit more difficult.  Which is another thing that's frustrating me right now. On facebook I happened to mention I'd started my period, and my mom said, "thanks for sharing" - even though she and her facebook friends have been going on and on about the joys of menopause and hot flashes... I (having just started my period) was annoyed by her remark and said so. She deleted her comment and, very unlike her normal behavior, has not commented on *one* thing I've posted since then. So, she is holding a grudge, which is never fun to deal with. I suppose I will have to call her and deal with it though, as she and Dad are supposed to be commencing their drive up here tonight, and I'd much prefer it be done in happy spirits. As you can plainly see, I am not looking forward to the tasks before me today. Sorting out a minute and petty bickering with my mom, driving to a laundry place somewhere and washing our clothes for hours, and cleaning off the dining room table which is covered with random odds and ends. That, and other stuff we won't get into here.  At any rate, not the most chipper writings... but it was only suggested we write 750 words, it didn't say they had to be exciting, intriguing, cheerful, uplifting, or enlightening.  Anyway, I'm not a cheerleader... but that being said, Sara emailed me today saying Thanksgiving will be the 6 week mark - or in her words - "anniversary" of us being hit by those two cars. She's right to say we have a lot to be thankful for this year. I guess, with that in mind, I should get dressed in my clothes that really aren't dirty yet, grab the quarters, shove my feet into my tennis shoes - near the door - and head off to get my car and go to the laundry mat. It is after all a very sunny, gorgeous Chicago day - I still do love the city.  I hope that when my boyfriend gets off work, we can enjoy the other tasks we have to take care of as well, before my parents arrive, preferably in good and thankful moods. We shall see. Ciao for now. -Val! post comment

This Past Friday [22 Nov 2010|12:02pm] [ mood | thankful ]  I woke up in your arms and I was happy there. Usually one of the first things you do is say, "I love you." Then you pull me close or tell me to "come here" and how much you love cuddling with me.  You mean it.  The other day you said, "I love you." It was a day I was in a very 'blah' mood, and it also happened to be a Friday.  Though we can consider it "Friday night" because darkness had long since settled, it was only around five o clock - as fall is giving way to winter - so the term night would, half a year from now, not apply i the least. At any rate, you didn't want me to feel this 'blah' feeling at all. You decided, standing there in out dining room, that I should "kick box" your hands. I, feeling down and somewhat defeated, saw no use in this, thought it was a bit silly, and also didn't want to hurt your hands. You were cheerful an insistent, saying in a very cute way, "C'mon!" so I finally did. I kicked my left foot up and out to hit your left hand a few times, and then did the same with my right. You had made do a few more things, and this made me smile for a moment. The moment didn't last long, but long enough for you to usher me into my coat and out of the house 'for a walk.'  "Where are we going?" I asked you. "I don't know." You responded. You said we could get dinner anywhere I wanted, if that's what I felt like doing - though of course we are supposed to be watching our budget and eating at home tonight. You seem to throw that out the window rather often if it comes to me in a foul mood and you seeing an opportunity to cheer me up. We walked down the streets for a while. You wanted me to stomp in the yellow leaves on the ground but I didn't care. You stopped at the play ground and we swung on the swings for a while. I showed you my backwards dismount. We continued down the street and you said we should run. We made it half a block, admitting to each other we are decided out of shape.  We continued to walk. You had been on the phone with your mother when I came home.  I had been out shopping with Sara and she'd said I seemed to have very low energy, not my normal 'perky self'.  I am not sure she used those words, but something to that effect.  As we walked, you told me your youngest brother was throwing parties where fellow students were getting drunk and throwing up at your mother's house, and that she was upset and distressed, and he was disrespecting her.  I said she shouldn't have let that happen in the first place, but you were angry with your brother, and decided you should give him a call. You thought of what you wanted to say as we turned down a quieter road, and told him not to disrespect your mother. You told him you would go down there and kick his ass, and yank him out of school, an show him what real grounding is like. You told him no more parties for at least three months.  He is only 16, and I think it's ridiculous there was a drunken party at your mom's house. I said, "She needs to grow a backbone." Though for the most part I like your mom, or at least when she is texting me and is being nice to me. Other times I don't know what to think of her, if she likes me at all, or greatly dislikes me and my situation in your life.  After this we walked on, past several restaurants, you trying to suggest potential options or looking for ones that seemed to have 'the right feel.'  We didn't really stumble across any that seemed right, so after walking down Halsted to Broadway, I led us back up toward the house, but then back down again to show you were the new sushi spot is located. Close to home, I mentioned The Red Rooster sounded decent to me - the foie gras terrine they have there. You said, "Why didn't you say something." I smiled, "because we are on a budget and eating at home tonight! Frozen pizza sound good?" It did. We walked the rest of the way home, down our street, you stomping in the leaves, I shoveling them with my feet in front of me. We got home, felt peaceful, no longer blah. We did stop at the liquor store first, however. You bought some Guinness and I got a cheap champagne. We made our pizza, and sat at the table, enjoying ourselves. It was a good night. You said, "I love you" at one of many points. To this I responded, "I know."  You were happy, it was the first time I'd responded that way - that I knew. I said, "I was not in a good mood, and you worked so hard to get me in one. I know you love me. It's wonderful." We hugged and kissed and continued to love one another. I hope we can continue such, forever.  I love you. Stats from this entry ^-^  :  http://750words.com/entries/share/391957 post comment

The Quote Post [29 Oct 2010|01:43pm] I think this is really neat, and should be inspiring.  I'd like to do more whimsical fun things like this. Props to Kyle as ever. Originally posted by kylecassidy at The Quote Post This is a post for people who want to discuss the words and images that went into the quotation photo project (where I asked people to send in a quote from their favorite book or poem and I did twenty photos inspired by those words). You can see ten of the images and the quotes behind them here. I thought for a while about including the quotes in the final booklet but ultimately decided that would be giving too much away. But I invite everybody who did choose a quote to post a photo of themselves and the photo they think they inspired & talk about why they choose that particular passage and what it means -- and I'm happy to talk about how I got from words to image if you want to hear. Also, if people want to use this space to inspire one another to take photos or write poems or perform interpretive dances, please feel free to post your own favorite quote that didn't get used and everybody else, feel free to take your own photos based on anything here. Share, share, make beautiful things. Outtake from "To thine own self be true." Do something really wonderful today. Add me as a friend on LiveJournal, Add me on Facebook, Follow me on Twitter. post comment

[27 Oct 2010|08:40am] [ mood | dismal ]  Why should I get up when you get up in the morning? The house is messy and I need to clean it. We started off so well - making it cute, buying new things for it.   Dishes are piled in the sink and it's really only from one night.  The floor is dirty again. I need to put away the laundry we did on Sunday.  My laptop is slow even though we just wiped it. My legs ache every morning. Even the thighs - why should they ache?   While it isn't a lot of stuff that is attacking me, I feel slightly overwhelmed. And more - I have been emotionally unbalanced lately. I've been full of wild to mild mood swings. I've been impetuous as a child, or teenager.  You tell me I am not one.  I wanted to run out of the pizza place the other night because I felt strained, stressed, at my limit. I had felt that way after arriving home from a fairly decent day of errands with Sara. Had felt that way upon hearing that my personal injury lawyer isn't super interested in my case. Felt that way because everything lately has been feeling straining, tiring, difficult. You come home and try to cheer me up. Cuddle with me. We wait to hear from David and Steve. They finally contact us. We go to meet them, we take them to Kit Kat. Already I am stressed. The service is going too slow. They want to hear the songs from the musical being shown on the screens (RHPS). The drag queen comes out. our drinks come. ok i guess it's ok. I am already thinking of what is coming next. our food will come - will it take too long? I hope they like sidetrack. On the way we stop at a store David likes with, funky stuff and they shop. They are happy. You are happy they are happy.  We get to sidetrack and nothing is happening. Not show tunes, not boisterous crowds singing cheerily. It is a boring closed-off neighborhood bar. I go to look for more rooms but they are all sectioned off. It's 80s night and david is enjoying the music and videos playing. I stand with him, I motion to you to come watch the "Dead or Alive" video but I dont think you understand my hand gesture.  You know I am disappointed in the club. I am not sure how to feel or act. Steve wants pie hole. We leave and go there. My unhappiness is mounting and I can't think of anything else to show them. Inside I just want to run out, run away, run around the block in the cold night alone. As if I were 18 or something. David takes me outside to talk. I can't help it I dont know why I am feeling so stressed out.  We go back in and they tell us stories about being flight attendants. We drop them at the bus stop and head home.  You hold me telling me David came to see me, not what next amazing place we could show him.  I dont comprehend that. Why would he come to see me?  I need to impress him, show him a fun time. Life is wearing me out right now. You tell me i am a great person, and the only shame is that I can't see it. You told me I probably blame myself for Sara being hurt because I was the one that heard about the casting, took her down there, and wanted to walk to lunch on Rush in the first place.   you told me many insightful things as I hid in your arms in bed last night. I told you maybe you should tell me again sometime so I can write them down. It has been 2 weeks since the accident.  Normally - I THINK - I would have spent those two weeks decorating for Halloween, carving pumpkins, making bloody messes, costumes, being creative.  I haven't done that. I've just been driving myself crazy.  I don't even know where the two weeks have gone, but the productive spurt I had right before them quickly evaporated.  I have not been dealing with things well and it's ridiculous.  I am not the one looking at months worth of walking rehab or anything of the like. But at least Monday I felt a small amount of relief after talking to my new counselor for an hour. A little about the accident - she brought it up more than me. More about Thanksgiving and what's going on with your parents. I want to drive and drive and wind up some place and experience that place and wander and come home at some future point.  I can't because of upcoming responsibilities. And you need to get new tires on your car. and Monday I start After Effects classes. you say I have been through several traumatic events the past cpl weeks and am dealing with it by blaming myself for everything I can think of. Sara paid for me to get my nails done - they are such pretty fall colors. I need to probably cry some more. and then move on to another activity. This disjointed LJ is done for now. For whatever fucking reason. -Val! 2 comments|post comment

Ramblings post smoosh by car [15 Oct 2010|01:22pm]   October 15th, 2010 12.43 PM Friday. Not quite sure exactly what to write, just felt that I had to. Theron and I just finished a lovely breakfast, English-inspired, of a soft boiled egg, buttered whole grain toast with beans in tomato sauce, fried turkey and ham, sliced tomatos, and swiss cheese. We also had coffee with espresso. We chatted as we ate, for a moment curled into each other's arms and kissed each other's shoulders and heads. It could have been any morning really. But as it is a Friday, Theron has taken the day off work to be here with me. Not because I was depressed - nor did I ask him to. In fact I tried to convince him to go to work today. Perhaps your girlfriend insisting you go to work the next day, while she is have her legs wrapped with cool packs because she realized her calve muscles were too bruised and tight to walk or even stand, isn't a motivating argument. They gave me crutches to use once I left the hospital. At the moment I was transferred from the hospital bed to a wheel chair, to go check on our friend Sara who was worse for wear in a bed across the ER. Life, as most of us know but think of little, can change - as Theron's father put it - 'on a dime.' The first, in my opinion, glorious day of fall. It was October 14th, and brisk. A storm the morning before had caused so many of the leaves - which previously had floated down in a listless ballet - to carpet the grass, sidewalks, and streets, so that every step I took was one of golden, crunchy glee. "It's fall! It's fall!" I exclaimed to my boyfriend over the phone, who had left work - as it was almost noon - and was walking toward me, as I toward him. I was headed to the El stop at Sheridan where I was to meet Sara and head in town for paperwork and a brief interview at a staffing company. I had painstakingly curled my hair into tight ringlets, tucked my white ruffled shirt into striped black pants, and managed to finish my outfit with faded blue converse - what can you do? My boyfriend bounced toward me smiling, we hugged and spoke of the beautiful weather. I said I couldn't wait to stomp in all the leaves. He walked me to the corner, hugged and kissed me, and headed back in to work. Sara's train pulled up almost immediately, and we sat together chatting about how we were going to be movie stars - though really we were only going to be sitting in the court show audience. I thanked her for wanting to go, and for making me feel more optimistic about the whole thing. We transfered to the brown line at Belmont where an obnoxious individual felt the need to loudly speak to everyone on the train. Why we didnt switch cars is anybody's guess. I just played "Flogging Molly" songs from my blackberry to drown him out. We got off at the Quincy stop in the loop. Still the sunlight was shining through the El tracks above, and Sara said it was one of her favorite places to walk. I said it makes sense, it's unique to Chicago. We sought out our interview spot - walking around the block, up and down the street, laughing and talking in fake Russian accents, giving awards speeches, generally being silly girls. We were an hour early anyway, so we stopped in first at Dunkin Donuts for Sara to get a soda and some donut holes, then into Starbucks where I bought a black eye and some madeleines - my mom's favorite cookies - for Sara to try later. We sat at the window and watched all the people streaming by in the gorgeous fall sunlight. It was just one of those days where everything felt good, and fun, and right. Ten minutes till we left Starbucks and headed across the street and into the Marriot building - under construction (I finally read in the email the lady had sent me) - and up to the 20th floor where we sought out the staffing office. Loads of paper work and we and another girl went into Mary's office to dicuss the job. The conversation moved on to other things they staff for - which I passionately suggested she call me for any of it - and then on to my previous career as a video editor for TV shows. She and the other girl were excited to hear of some of the shows I've edited, and all in all everyone was very nice. We left feeling happy, and also feeling like we needed to use the restroom. I said I could hold it - as we were headed to Rush street for a small snack lunch and more people watching. We walked through downtown, Sara recounting ideas for a soap opera she had thought of, I egging her on, saying we could totally do one and it would be lots of fun. We decided to stop heading north and start heading east toward the lake, so as to walk up Rush street. We had just gotten to the corner of LaSalle & Grand, and Threon texted to ask how things went, and "hanging with Sara now?" to which I responded, "yes we are walking and having fun." Then I hear Sara say, "Oh my God." I looked up, hearing the screetching sound of tires trying to break, to see a porshe zoom through a red light and slam into an SUV, and then to see both of these cars coming directly at us. We both knew we needed to run, but probably also knew there was no way we would outrun cars barreling towards us. We turned, we probably took a step or two. We both recall seeing the building we were running toward. Then I felt the bumper of the porsche pound against my calves and propel me, though not overtake me, as it and I hit a lamp post. I was on all fours and felt liquid start covering me. My eyes were closed and my first thougth was that it might be blood from some head wound I couldn't feel yet. I jumped up and said "Oh my god." looked at my clothes and realized the liquid had to have come from the car. I surveyed the scene - porshce wrapped around the post, people slowly coming toward us from all angles, Sara further over on the sidewalk near the street, on her back with her legs in the air, bent at the knees. "Oh my God" then "someone call 911! Call 911!!" as I searched for the pieces of my cell phone. My calves were cramping up in tight, painful balls, people were asking me if I saw what happened, I said "They hit us!" They said "you were hit?" I said "maybe I should sit down." I gave a lady my coat to cover Sara with. Another lady covered me with something. They asked if they could call anyone but I didn't have Therons number memorized. Somehow, miraculously, my phone finally worked. This was after 2 EMS guys awkwardly restrained my head and strapped me to a board. My arms were strapped down but I was able to text. "car hit us." then "theyre taking us to northwestern". Theron called but I couldn't get my phone to my ear to hear him. I thought he was saying he couldn't come. I said "I cant hear you. Come if you can. text me." He was on his way. They put another man in the ambulance with me. His face was covered with bloody cuts. An EMS lady asked if he had been wearing a seatbelt. Someone identified him as 'officer' and that he was 'off-duty'. He said he hadn't been wearing a seatbelt. She said "well thats why you have all these cuts, your face smashed into the windshield." He wouldn't lay down because he was afraid he would drown on his own blood. I didn't like him being in there with me, though I felt sorry for him having been hit while off-duty, I was surprised a cop would be so arrogant so as to not wear a seatbelt. Later I found out it was in fact the off duty policeman who had driven the porsche at ridiculous speed through the red light, crashing into the SUV and then the two of us on the sidewalk. They finally transported me to Northwestern. The EMS agent who looked after me was very nice and we joked together. Theron was already at the hospital waiting for me. His eyes teared up several times and once they got me out of the restraints we hugged each other and cried together. A couple doctors and nurses checked out my neck, back, ribs, and finally my legs. Since I could turn my ankles and move and feel my toes, they decided I didnt need X-rays. We all decided I was very lucky. Later I tried to stand up and the pain was emmense, I couldn't do it. We got the doctor to look at me again. He said sometimes there can be internal bleeding later and if it gets very tight, come back. Then another lady put ice packs under my calves to help reduce swelling and wrapped them. They brought a wheelchair for me, and also gave me crutches to take home. They informed me that Sara had to have a toe amputated. I was horrified. We went over to see her, she was still having surgery done on her foot but said Hi throught the curtain. Theron held my hand while we waited. Andy and Pete - her friends - showed up and we told them what happened and what we knew. Soon after, her friends Barb and Rachel showed up. They were all concerend and very sweet. We learned that Sara had broken her big toe, lost the second one, and also fractured her heel. Later on after cat scans and whatnot, it turned out she had a few bruised but not broken ribs. Her friends all stayed, rotating shifts sitting by her bed. Theron and I left to pick up David and Steve from the blue line. We went to Pie Hole and celebrated life. I see no point in mentioning the cop who took our statements, other than to say he informed us we were "witnesses" and he was only citing the other cop for "running a red light." Certainly more will follow. Andy has already contacted a personal injury lawyer that he knows, and the banter has begun. The staffing agency lady called me to see if I was alright, and say she felt guilty. "If you two hadn't come down here, this wouldn't have happened." I assured her we were having a wonderful day up until that point. She told me to inform the lawyer I was about to start a contracting job, and to call her. It is still sunny and beautiful outside, around 60 degrees. We will go out and take in all the beauty that has been allotted for me today. And the love. I wont be able to hop around crunching leaves as I'd wanted. But I will settle for crushing them below my crutches. 3 comments|post comment

just feeling down [09 Sep 2010|02:59pm] [ mood | depressed ] I used to write in here a lot. With the ease of someone used to exposing their soul to the world.  What was it? Why did I do it?  Did I have no shame?  Did I feel like I had nothing to be ashamed of? Did I enjoy the ability to let everything run freely out of me and onto the web for everyone or no one to see? Now I write maybe once a month and it seems I write very little of substance. I wrote a couple poems the other day and a short story.  Not the greatest poems but I wanted to get the sentiment out. Really it was predominately one poem - to Theron - thanking him for being the way he is. I am in a funk now.  I have moved to kneel on the floor in the den / living room (why I call it a den I am not sure). The weather outside is overcast and it seems cold. ... it's 64 outside. I dont know...   I was happy and happy with myself a while back.  And I realize I just started my period today so that has something to do with it. But I just feel so 2-dimensional.  And I always want to say 1 dimensional even though that's wrong. I want to work on my podcasts again. Lately I havent even been inspired by cooking. for a while we had lots of drive putting the apartment together. I just hit a wall. I am sure I will scale it soon enough. Everyone has down days. Everyone gets in funks. I know not everyone becomes self-destructive unwittingly, but whatever. A lot of us do.  A lot of you probably do - maybe you just don't realize that's what you're doing. 64 degrees and overcast this Thursday in Chicago. Theron has a project he is working on so when he gets home he'll really have to get on that. He's been obsessing over it and it comes out in the waking moments - when he asks me if he'd just asked me if I needed a server.  He's dreaming about it. That's ok. I hope it goes well. All I can really do is hope and support him - even though I truly think often I am more of a strain and a burden than anything good in his life. I should just curl up and watch TV.  TV would be nice right now. Randomly perusing channels. Spaghetti sounds good. Anything warm. I feel guilty for feeling bad. Because I know I was very happy not that long ago - and also fall is coming in. I think I also feel lonely. And I am unproductive, even though I have been applying for jobs a lot again. Having couchsurfers was nice but I actually felt lonely when they left. This big house and me all alone in it. Sometimes I think of running away - but where would I run to - and what am I running from? Maybe just to do something.   I dont know. Yesterday morning I was filled with good energy and felt happy. At least slightly. I wanted to do my kick boxing DVD. Theron's birthday is this Sunday. We are going to Yoshi's early Saturday to celebrate. I got a new dress but it's not that great. I hope I can make it seem tasteful I dunno. Sara's birthday is the same day so she wants us to meet her for cocktails that night, which  I am sure we will. Apparently Theron finds that I am often sad .   Shame. I have been lately. Just down. Why would anyone want to be with me? etc Well, we'll see.  Ten months and counting. post comment

talking about weather [17 Aug 2010|08:31am] [ mood | hopeful ] To the letter on your fridge I never finished...  In the fall the air is filled with bliss. We have already felt the kiss of early autumn. the weather has begun it's period of change it seems confused and solemn beneath clouds of fitful rain. come then, pour, sullen September and usher Autumn in. We have already felt it on our skin a little premature, too excited to begin. We smiled, knowingly. We await it too, as children might. Sometimes I wonder, as I walk, and speak of thunder or of a change in wind, or of a certain angle of the sunlight through the sky if my compatriots might shy away or scoff at my remarks 'to speak of weather harks that there is nothing left to speak of!' But what more present? what more pungent to our lives? than that which we experience together, all around us? it is felt tangibly, it affects us emotively. Why do so many brush the discussion of weather off as absurd? because old men speak of weather? Perhaps they are merely feeling earth nearer to the bone. Assuaged ideas of philosophy and known what is really close to home. So I am a bad poet, but it has been a long time. -Val! post comment

So almost another month [23 Jun 2010|02:42pm] [ mood | blah ] Tomorrow is the next writer's meetup - tho this time at Noble Tree on Clark, a bit south of us. Oh well, if the weather is decent it'll be a fine walk. I have written a couple short stories in the past month, mostly violent, and a poem last night that was also rather violent in nature. Then again the other night my dreams were of the same violent nature, so maybe it is just a way of expressing frustration. I have a start to the next short story, though really don't know where I want to go with it.  Maybe I'll outline this one. Most likely I wont. I prefer the stream of consciousness of it all.  The last one I wrote while walking a bit in the cemetery, then from the post office, then at a coffee shop waiting for Theron to get off work - where I finished it.  Walking can decidedly be inspiring for numerous reasons, I suppose. The first one was perhaps more interesting, I don't know. I wouldn't ever really consider myself a short story writer. I've written a few in my life time and that's about it. I wouldn't really consider myself a poet anymore - even though I've written about 4 in the past week.  Maybe I'm just (yet again) feeling down on myself. Who knows. Who really cares. I wanted to write. I really wanted to write about something but it seems i have nothing much to write about. Though of course that isn't true. I went shopping yesterday and therefor interacted with people. As I went shopping, it included going for a walk. I bought books, as I mentioned on facebook.  I got extremely angry and wrote said poem. It was a rage I held onto as Theron suggested we go for a walk. The night was dark and balmy and did not cheer me up, but I'm sure it was good to go out. Get out of the house. Which I have yet to do today. I am uninspired momentarily.  I made very good twist on olive tapenade earlier - so I guess that's inspiration on some level. I bought 2 books on cooking I've shelved away because our finances are fairly shite right now. And I feel like the catering company is a stupid idea/dream anyway. Then again I'm negative. Clearly all my poems should be on a website somewhere, and I should have a better reel, or I should work on a podcast. but should should should.  At the very least I'll type up the poems. Some are not very poem-ish, and the angry one is at the end. They might all be lame and over the top, so ..whatever. Poems: 1. "No one will ever know what we have," he says, standing in the kitchen as we peer down at the off-white Mercedes SUV - in which are seated and conspiring - his mother, father, 2nd younger brother. He makes coffee. He says, "All your parents see is that we're happy and that we love each other." "Yea...?" "But they don't know what we have." He'll say something similar the next time we wake up in each others' arms "Nobody else has this." He says it all the time. After a direct visit from his parents, as we sit on the kitchen floor - it seems to hit home with him more. Hit him to his core. "No one else will ever know what we have." My truest, darling love - I'm fine with that. 2. He has his prisoner in tow. Not sure she wanted to go - Certainly she didn't have a choice - Her voice trained after 39 years of marriage to be swallowed to be swallowed down choked down into a small shimmer ball of opinions and repression. What do you want to do, -----? What do you want to do? Having raised four sons, still at the whim of the youngest one So much like Indian patriarchal culture - You follow the father, then son obey them all - the vultures - ripping apart the carcass of your heart and your free will. Don't you wish you could so violently fly? Identify yourself and thrill them all with your own strength? Break the voice out of its dark cage and sing, and breathe, and be - as vibrantly as you shine and seem, to me. 3. I tried to be a good girl, then. Hadn't added any strange colors to my hair, dressed nicely, was sweet and of course - impossible otherwise - in love with my love, Conversational and kind. Perky when I had the mind to be - worried at times, and only slightly. Sharing stories with his dad about fishing and sailing. Sharing laughs and looks with his mom, which felt very good and free - Smiling and laughing while the caged bird sings. Then dinner, dessert, and TV. 4. it's always something and it's always money you want to come between us? try it. I'll bite your fucking arm off. you want to demean us? to make us feel trivial, seem fungible? Try it! I'll break your fucking fingers. I am here. Now. I can't see the future. I don't look nearly as much into the past as I once did. Fuck money. Fuck trying to stay afloat in this economy, In this world with riptides dragging at our ankles - with my boyfriend trying to please me only to be broke somehow at the middle of the month fuck money fuck it all there has to be a way around it. you want to see us fall? fuck you we'll rise above it because all i have in my heart is gall and bitterness wrath and the gnashing ability to fight back and make it. so back off or I'll take you down and use your fucking bones to climb back up. See what I said? Angry. Sorry. not directed at anyone. I know I have other poetry, but like my now scattered cooking and recipe notes, who knows where they are. In recent news: We may be going to North Carolina to celebrate our 30th birthday.  Wouldn't have seen that one coming, but it has beaches and forests and stuff, so - could be cool I guess? Ok, I am an empty vessel Ciao for now, -Val! post comment

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