It has been two months since my last entry, and that is significant. I had unlocked it but then just locked it again. It was a sad entry and I hadn't realized why I had gotten so down in the dumps, not till today.
Today I have been getting things together for my lawyer - things like old journal entries post the cars hitting us in October, photos from that time, etc. It is a shock to me - most of my physical journal has been written in that time - the entries before Oct 14th were short, few, and filled with happiness. Then from October 14th till February was a bunch of negativity. 4 months of pain and poor coping mechanisms, four months of depression and feeling bad. I didn't even realize what bad spiral I had gotten stuck on until I was getting all this together for my lawyer today.
I hadn't realized how traumatized I had really been by that car crash, how much it affected me, and how depressed I ultimately became.
My lawyer has said that bc I am feeling better now, that we don't have much of a case for emotional distress.... really? 4 months and complete depression on the outlook of my future isn't emotional distress? Look up PTSD - I had it, no doubt.
Looking it up, yields things of relevance:
Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.
When post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months.
People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.
Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:
1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity
Recurrent distressing memories of the event
Repeated dreams of the event
Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event
Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything
Feelings of detachment
Lack of interest in normal activities
Less expression of moods
Sense of having no future
Exaggerated response to things that startle you
Excess awareness (hypervigilance)
Irritability or outbursts of anger
You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt")
People with PTSD may need to treat depression, alcohol or substance abuse, or related medical conditions before addressing symptoms of PTSD. Behavioral therapy is used to treat avoidance symptoms. This can include being exposed to the object that triggers your symptoms until you become used to it and no longer avoid it (called graded exposure and flooding).
Depression, anxiety, and fear of things that are not usually frightening to other people (phobia), may be part of this disorder
You feel overwhelmed by guilt
You are impulsive
You are thinking of hurting yourself
You are unable to contain your behavior
So there you have it. The 4 months after the accident, fall and some of winter, incidentally my favorite time of year, and I was not able to enjoy a damn thing about it. I was moody, angry, sometimes happy - true, but not like now.
The past 2 months have, for the most part, been far happier, far more 'normal' and healthy and good. We have eaten healthier, drank much less, gone for long walks, enjoyed each other and our lives, felt much more certain the future will be bright and happy, etc. It is good to feel like you are living your life again, and not living on some awful numb autopilot.
And the amazing part to being happy again, is planning and having fun. I found a great company on line that makes gorgeous engagement rings, and found they have a store in Milwaukee. Theron was very excited, and said we should drive up so we can see them in person. We did that very thing this past weekend. Saturday I was very nervous and that anxiety kept me from really enjoying the trip to the store.
We stayed at a hotel (after having a fun dinner), and, on Theron's decision, went back to the store the next day. That Sunday will go down as one of the most interesting, exciting, and happy days in my life, I would imagine. Walking out of the hotel, the sky was almost as black as night, thunder and lightening shot through the dark clouds that swiftly moved across the sky. I was happy and elated, like a child. We got in the car and started driving back toward the mall, when all of a sudden tons of hail rained down from the sky. Luckily we quickly found a bridge and watched the big balls of ice bounding down through the openings between the bridges - cascading even. It was amazing! I've never seen anything like it! After 15 minutes it was over, and we wound up at the mall, walking over what looked like bug eggs - all the melting hail.
We spent a long time in William Sonoma, one of Theron's favorite stores - and yet another reason I love him. I think it is adorable he wants to own every kitchen gadget that exists ;) The mall felt completely different on this Sunday morning - well dressed people wandered around, there was a sense of peace and happiness. We entered the ring shop and the salesgirl remarked on how sparkley my bracelet had been the previous day. (Swarovski of course, Theron's birthday gift to me). She was nice and laid back, and we had fun talking about and trying on different rings.
We fell in love with two of them and on the drive home tried to decide what to do about that.
Theron wanted me to have them both, and wear them immediately. I explained to him the point of a proposal - that he has been planning for months now and wont tell me anything about - was that that is when you get the ring.
He said we could do what ever we want and I can have the ring as soon as it arrives. I said "no lovie, you have to present the ring at the proposal!" So he decided then I will get a 'pre-engagement' ring and another, gorgeous, elegant ring at the proposal. We excitedly ordered the first ring, and he photoshopped customizations to the other and emailed it to their design department.
We were really excited, and Theron started singing one of his made up silly songs, but this time made me sing 'bling bling' when he pointed at me.
Let's say it went something like:
"Puppy gonna put some..." (looks at me)
"bling bling!" I try to quickly say
"on your finger, some..." (looks at me)
"to make you happy"
Theron said I seem even happier than he thought I would, and I admit - I FEEL happier than I ever thought I would be, so it comes as a shock to me too, but a very happy and (Ill overuse the word again) exciting one :)
So far on the order for my pre-engagement ring, it just says "order approved" which means it hasnt shipped yet... And I know it said it would take "12-14" business days ....so I am easily looking at a 2 week wait. ALAS!
In the infamous words of Verruca Salt. "I want it now!"
But I guess I can wait a couple weeks;) It is going to be so pretty, and so exciting!
Wee what fun! :)
I will put up pix as soon as she gets here:)