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Val!

[ website | Val! is Rad [.com] ;) ]
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Literally bored to tears [02 Mar 2016|01:25pm]
[ mood | morose ]

But I know it's more than that.
It's hormones and being sore from trying to start working out (just a little!) on Monday night. It's that my period is late but still affecting my emotions, it's that I can't handle being sore/aching, it's that I am feeling sorry for myself for these things and it's bleeding over into how I feel about myself and everything else.
It snowed a lot yesterday, but that's not necessarily bad.
My eyes are dry and hurting. Just woke up that way.
Didn't sleep well.

Used to be in shape. Used to be more motivated. Realize this has come and gone before in my life, particularly after over a year of beind docile here, for the most part, and trying to get in shape again, but that's kind of how I feel now and I hate it. My body aches. From just 40 sit ups, several girly style push ups, a few lunges, etc.
I should be going for walks, and dancing, and working my way back up to going to the Y. Maybe not 3 times a week like I used to - but some times, and not to where I'm on day 2 after working out and crying b/c I feel in pain and bored and lonely.

I have been applying to jobs more... and finally updated my reel after 9 years!  But I feel I am putting too much emphasis on this stuff.
I need friends. I need to do stuff.

I showered and did some laundry yesterday and Theron felt he was neglecting *his* duties b/c I did the laundry and sheets. Sheesh! I'm the one that is constantly on facebook or watching TV.
I'm the one usually feeling so antsy by 1PM I do something else.


I wish I had not neglected getting the car battery changed this weekend. I know, it's Wednesday and still doable... I just don't feel good, and that always effects me.
I need to feel better about me.
Working on my reel helped that.
I haven't made any effort to get those postcards for the poetry reading out there, nor sign up to do anything at the event.
I'm sore and it's a good excuse to feel bad.

But the tears are real.
I feel trapped by a cage I slowly wove around me and I don't know how to get out of.

I want to be productive but I don't know where to start.
Jesus let my period start soon b/c how I feel right now definitely beckons a coming wave of wonderful femaleness.

I should just get dressed and go for a walk. Go for a walk until I feel better.
How is it so easy to walk in Europe?
How is it so easy to be a hermit here?

God I hate feeling down, depressed, etc.
I hate feeling unmotivated.
Unworthy.

I just want to feel good in my life again.
I'm certain I have before.

Just feels like it's been a long time....

-val!

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Falling in Love [11 Jan 2016|02:15pm]
It felt like falling in love again.
I don't know how to explain
if you asked me what that meant.

I was so anxious, as the night began,
but you praised me, were silly,
and took me by the hand.

You wanted to walk even as the snow fell
and the temperature did as well.
You were intent

on us stomping in our snowboots
and taking routes
that usually feel bland.

You soothed my soul
everything felt new and old
and I forgot to be afraid.

We saw the whole
city in a different way.

No one else mattered,
it was our night
we did things in our crazy way.

It felt like falling in love again.
Like we could just be kids
and the "bad" that things had become
never mattered.
We fixed it so fast
when I got back.
Our love so much stronger
for one another
than we knew.

The glue that binds us
the bond we've formed
is pure
and simple
and silly
and true.

The innocence I've always seen in you
breathes into my soul a fresh and true
clean place
where I am safe

to put my hand in yours
to warm them with my gloves
to run out in snowy nights
and fall, again, in love.
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I simply must [28 Oct 2015|04:24pm]
[ mood | gloomy ]

I feel that I have all these emotions lurking right below the surface, I mean, I simply must.
And it could be the slightest thing, the dial could turn any which way - I am not sure that's true, but it seems like it could be.

My husband doesn't need me.
It's obvious enough, and maybe it always has been.
Even a long time ago, when I wanted to make friends, he said he didn't need them - that I was enough.
And maybe I knew long before now that he would be content even without me.

And maybe (or not just 'maybe') I'm the one who's broken.  But feeling how I feel right now, reminds me of many times in the past I've felt this way.  Oh, it's not as bad, as I have a husband back in Sheboygan waiting for me to come home (though, when I come home is of little importance).
But I've spent a couple days hanging out with Tim, and it's nice to be aroud him, because he lives in the present with contentment and seems to not give much thought (and therefor concern) toward the future.  The future has always filled me with trepidation.  Even when I was young I would say, in regards to the future, that 'I try not to think about it.'  Because there is too much unknown. Too much to consider and overwhelm.

And maybe also because I've just finished all 3 seasons of "Arrow" on Netflix, and the final one ends with Oliver (the arrow) driving off with Felicity (the happy IT girl) - and that bothered me... but reading all these other reactions of fans of the show, they say that it's good b/c Oliver is dark and needs her light, and she is happy but wants love out of life... whereas when she briefly dated Palmer, he didn't need her. He was content in himself, and didn't have the need for her that Oliver did.  He loved her, but it wasn't necessary.

Theron may love me, but I am not necessary.  And it hurts...
And on the phone earlier I was telling him how Tim seemed surprised that back in '09 I traveled to Europe on my own, like he didn't know or didn't remember that I had... and he said, "why would anyone want to travel alone?"
I told Theron that and he said, "I don't think I'd like to travel alone either."
I said, "I can only think of two marked times that I felt lonely" to imply that of course, as is true, otherwise I enjoyed it.

He said, "Oh, I don't mean I think I'd feel lonely... I'm sure I'd make some sort of friends here and there..."
I said, "Do you ever feel lonely?"
He shrugged it off with an easy, "No" or "No, not really."

And why am I going back to Sheboygan again November 2nd?
Why am I leaving the comfort of my family's home, where I have at least 2 friends and a depressive sister, my dad, and my mother not far, to go home to someone who is content without me, to a dog and an otherwise empty house, and no friends, and no real comfort, but plenty of fear of the future?

What am I doing in my life?
What will I do with my life?

And none of this is about the fact that I recently decided ('decided') to stop drinking, because that can be a subject for another day. It's been too much on topic lately and isn't what I'm thinking about now (only in small ways, in the back of my mind, or in my visions of the past and a future that has split from this one).

Tim thinks it's funny (and maybe always has) how much I fear change. And yet how much I think it's necessary (I don't know if he realizes that, though I would think he must).

Theron talks about the future like a surgeon disecting possibilities.
I want to crawl back into a hole and hide.

Though I'm only hiding from my own mind, and mental state.

And I wonder if I have ever felt independent, though I know I have, but for how long and was it ever real? Or was it ever satisfying for long?
And I hate how I feel right now, though I know I could feel worst.

Lost again, but what's new?
Just getting older.

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On a coming death... [20 Feb 2014|12:52pm]
I worry.

I worry a lot.. Too much really. I worry about my husband, driving to work and back... I worry about my dog, how his little dog body is so tough but so tiny.
I worry inevitably about the deaths that could befall my loved ones, and I knock on wood and wish I wasn't so morbid.

This morning I made coffee, I snuggled my husband who slept in a bit late, I took our dog Brigly out to go to the bathroom in the melting snow...
I started editing a paper a friend asked me to look over for her... and then my (ex)cousin-in-law called me to tell me my uncle is dying in a hospital, sedated, on a breathing tube.

My mom and her brother (and as a result, the rest of us) have been estranged for several years. I mean, many, many years. Almost ten I would guess...
But I remember him from when I was a kid, making jokes at me and my sis, playing little games with us, seeming happy.

It was a long time from that childhood memory of a lively man, to years later - he stood stiff and grey, corpse-like in my grandma's house when I lived there in Houston...

And it's been many years since then to today, when the phone call came in and Traycie said she didn't know if my mom knew, but thought she should.

Traycie has always been a sweet, caring person, and I like that she has kept me in her thoughts over the years.  Her and my cousin didn't last long, but they created a really awesome child together who is now 15, and about to lose her grandpa.

I wonder why it is death makes us sad... Even the death of someone we haven't seen and have rarely thought of in several years.
To think, my mom's brother is dying. He was born on the same day as her, a year after her exactly.

I couldn't imagine losing my sister - not now, not 30 years from now, not ever.

And so, for whatever reason mortality and the many complexities of it are still perplexing to me, I felt the sadness well up, a distant, strange sadness... and decided the only thing I knew to do was write.

But not on facebook, which has long and by-far outstripped livejournal... but of course on livejournal, where I have always been able to lay bare whatever it was I was feeling, for less and less people to see.

I would like my uncle to be able to regain consciousness, to say his goodbyes.  It's odd to lose a grandparent.  I lost my grandfathers when I was 13 and 14 or 15. I don't remember it well. I never did. I remember riding in the hospital elevators when my first grandpa was sick... I remember visiting my second grandpa in the home when his mind was gone - at least he looked happy.
I remember crying at my first grandpa's funeral and having a poem read that I wrote. I remember skipping my second grandpa's funeral because I was too anxious to miss a day of school - and how that upset my family. I didn't mean to be selfish, I loved my grandpa...
I wonder if Shelby will remember this better than I remember those deaths that happened half my life ago.

I wonder if my mom and Uncle Danny will be able to talk once more before he leaves us.

'The funeral will be in Alabama,' Traycie related my cousin's words to me. Of course it will. That's where my mom's family is from, and where they go to be buried.

The weather outside is bleak here in Wisconsin, where I live thousands of miles from most of my family in Texas. Where my uncle and mom are in Houston. But the weather, which didn't suit the calmness of the morning: How odd to see the snow melt when the winter has been so cold, for so long... How odd to see the snow land and melt right away, and the ice-laden streams on the sidewalk...
The sky is grey and now I know that it does make sense. Nature knows things before we do.

And it is better at saying goodbye.
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Ouch [21 Aug 2013|04:49pm]
You never appreciate what you have, right?

even tho we slacked a bit on our workout, i was liking the feeling of my body thinning up, firming up, some muscles just starting to be established. I was feeling more comfy in my skin. I felt my jogging becoming less difficult, some of the weight machines less challenging...  I saw my face looking thinner, younger even.

Then I got drunk, tripped on a carpet in Milwaukee, and got rug burn.
"idiot" I thought the next morning when we cleaned and bandaid'd it.
"stupid idiot" I thought the next day when it got a little swollen.
"holy fuck" the next morning i thought, when my eye was nearly swollen shut and pus was leaking from out the neosporin I'd put on the burn that had spread all around it.
"Time to see a doctor.. Now. Yesterday!"

Cellulitis.

Now my left eye is surrounded by red puffy swollen skin, which is even worse in the morning, like some strange alien or monster from a movie... and an odd yellowy/brownish/red scab has formed a crescent around the outside of my left eye from my cheekbone directly under my kelly-green pupil to my eyebrow.
A bad scab.
And I'm on antibiotics that I have to take 4x a day.
And I'm scared and that fear keeps changing...

Will the shape of my lower eye-lid change?  Will the entire thing change?
Will I get a blood infection? meningitis?
Will I die?
Will I have horrible scars?
Will I not look like me anymore?

I like my face. I am fond of it. It's *my face*!! And right now it itches and burns (yesterday it was more like stabbing pains) and all because I was an idiot and drank too much w/o realizing it, despite drinking less most of the time.

I can't keep my mind off it if I am not intensely focused on something else. Which is how i finished our stupid social psych class (save for the assignment) by mid-day today... The assignment is about applying specific lessons to making yourself likeable.. and I don't feel likeable.. I feel very unlikeable and in pain.

I look in the mirror 20 times a day. I have one with me.
I've taken loads of pictures... Pictures I'll post somewhere when "this gets back to normal" - you know.
Hoping that means in a week or two the swelling will be gone and what scabs do come and stay will have faded to hardly visible things... and not the terrible scars I've been seeing online.


Can someone just force-feed me and let me sleep for the next 9 days?  intravenous? I'll even accept gavage :P

I don't like being scared. Or superficial. But apparently I am - both.

-Val!
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Reasons I'm pissed off ....today.. [16 Aug 2013|10:00am]



First of all it probably has something to do with the fact Theron and I worked out the past 2 days after taking 4 days off, so I am achy and that tends to put me in a negative mindset.  But it is Friday and I *should* be happy, though I have been pretty emotional on and off the past week.

Saturday I woke up sick and was sick all morning, even not feeling too well that evening. (we had to go to a work BBQ for Theron's employees).

Sunday I felt better yet cried and cried b/c we can't (well we can but not go without using our ever-dwindling savings) take a trip to Europe in December... and really - can we afford a trip to Cali?  And Europe in March?
I cried about money though I know we are better off than a lot of ppl.  I cried and felt self-indulgent and it felt nice.

Then I got an email (on facebook mind you) from Belinda about how my 'comments' on her page 'aren't welcome' and they are 'embarrassing' out of Nowhere - so I tried to call her and she wasn't answering any of my calls so I was really pissed when I read all this on the way back from a decent trip to Costco.
I sent her an angry voice msg through regular email and flamed her a bit on facebook.
She responded on Monday so my anger continued, and I wound up pissing more ppl off (Karen b/c I mentioned Brenda, my sister a bit for posting at all). I drank too much wine that night. Lame.

Tuesday I did nothing.
Wednesday and Thursday we worked out.  I've gotten no writing done to speak of on my book.

Last night Paul posted something regarding how he pays his grandma for rent, my sis stood up for him and one of his uncles we don't know told her to shut her mouth b/c she doesn't know what she's talking about. And she didn't defend me with the Belinda thing, just told me not to post my shit publicly.
At first I thought about not saying anything, but then I just hated that too b/c that's not me. So I said he should come down (from NC) if he thinks it's such a problem, that I don't know nor care about Paul's mom n gma, but if it were my mom - I'd get off my sanctimonious high horse and come help. And to not tell my sister to shut her mouth when he doesnt even know her.
Did she thank me?  No. She told me to stop posting "vitriolic" things on facebook!!!

Talk about angry! yeah i got angry. Then justin roan said 'here comes a flame war.'
so I just deleted my posts.

Trying still to calm down.

Theron just told me an old lady (70s) they had to force into retirement b/c she was basically useless (and who they threw a party for and were nice to) came into his office just now and threw her badge and keys at him and stormed out angry. (Her last day) - when he'd found old pix of her and the team and was going to give them to her.  My response?  Security should have escorted her out.

People are pissing me off and ripping the edges of my already exhausted and tattered shreds of confidence and compassion.

I usually think of myself as an empathetic person with, yes, a temper for fighting furiously.

Being sore I'm sure doesn't help.... but what was my excuse for Sunday and Monday?  Period ending and hurt feelings as sociopath Belinda again hurts me out of nowhere?

I am ALSO pissed that BK and I have still "20 friends in common" which means 20 ppl who were my friends added her (for the most part) and i want them to UNfriend her bc she's a bitch psycho!!!


I want to sit in quiet and comfort and work on my novel but i am not in a happy place and i DONT KNOW WHERE TO GO in the fucking story!   I've read you need to try to get yourself in the mood of the story at that point but the mood of the story isn't hurt, rageful, and pissed-off right now.

FUCKing FUCK.  Yes I cuss too much. Woe for all of you who deign to put up with me.
And no, vitriolic is not in my vocabulary.

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Something [30 Apr 2013|10:29pm]
There may be something to me that will never be... "right"
That will never ever feel -- normal...
comfortable..
sometimes even
safe
stable.


I want to snuggle Rover tonight
to let Theron sleep his very sole-selfish sleep.
His dreams... they are not mine.
and he is dealing with his own deamons.

Brigly
will sleep his own puppy sleep,
deciding when he can lie down and close his eyes.

But my eyes don't close.
When they 'close' they open
to my "past" lives
loves, paths, careers...
in dreams from which we cannot wake
from dream kingdoms we easily shake
...but in my dreams

fear and adventure run rampant
Theron is there
in an apparition
peripheral.


There is more to this.
More......
.
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2 Poems [01 Mar 2013|01:02pm]
VoicePost
245K 1:28
“2-24-13

The best laid plans
of mice and men
are better laid
when things begin.

When the day is at it's start
and nothing yet
has found it's
sneaky way
into my heart.

Snow spreads out thick and long
upon the lawn
hours creep away
from dawn.

We could create something anew
be it paintings
or snow trails
or intricate food.

But alas - for reasons
I myself cannot know
something grips me
to lethargy
- locks me inside from the snow;

Locks my mind from its potential
locks my heart from its muse
locks my logic from
dissection
and I wind up confused.

Here now half till noon
and not a thing have I begun
I sit in the kitchen
motionless kitten
locked in again from the sun.


2-28-2013 (email me for info on this one)

We have dined tonight
on anger and wine.
We have dined on
a hearty American meal.
Potatoes and turkey
(bacon-wrapped)
and vehemence
sapped
from the moment.

Do not doubt that
rage is less
than flames
flickering on candles tall and straight.

And do not guess that
feral, gnashing love
is less than
brave.

We have dined tonight
on our own beliefs;
on our own hearts and
small reliefs.
- We have hugged and kissed and
yet there's more.

Beyond those kisses
my teeth ground to the core
of vengeance
not yet sought
for protecting your dear heart
whatever the cost.

Tonight we dined on wine
and being crossed.”

Transcribed by: loupguru
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The need to escape [26 Feb 2013|08:51pm]
[ mood | not sure ]

i wanted to have another glass of wine.
I wanted to write about escape.
It is a hard, blowing, wet snow outside, coming down in diagonal waves, tree limbs clawing at each other.
Part of me wants to be out there in it.  The snow accumulating in our yard with no fence. Laying down in the 2+ inches accumulating.
The wetness making me shiver as the wind blows 40 mph, slapping stinging soggy snow flakes on my face.
Rolling around in the cold, wet misery.

Escape has been quietly crying for me. It has seeped into me without even knowing.
I crave distraction, but more than that, immersion, adventure, passion, completion.

I want the snow storm to go wild, and us to have not already had dinner, for the lights to go on and off, power barely reliable; I want pizza be made, and red wine opened, snuggled under the knowledge the night and the next day are ours and no one else's to control us.  Sick of being in control, being controlled, feeling stuck.  Feeling like life's purposes, adventures, promises, are all gone - and not just because I haven't written my first novel or worked harder on my podcasts...

but because the refuge that was temporarily Sheboygan has not become a muse. Because I am lazy and growing chubby and out of shape. Because I am doing nothing. And all I wanted is escape.

but that, my friends, is unattainable.

And also - sites laud bloggers who are so self-indulgent it puts even me to shame.

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[15 Mar 2012|08:40pm]
[ mood | sad ]

sadness looms up and chokes me.

it was not a bad day.

i like my erratic, laid back new producer.

i edited house tours and talked to a few people - less than normal really, but still, it wasn't a bad day.

i thought as i walked to work about random things. I enjoyed the chill in the air and my slightly oversized coal grey coat.

i know i only wore older american eagle jeans, new black tennis shoes, and a hand-me down black sweater from my cousin... but somehow i felt fancier, dressed up, nice.

i don't know why the emotions decide what they need - when they need. My sister and I were supposed to hang out a cpl times and it hasnt happened yet - in the city that is, in manhattan, after work. In the belly of the beast so to speak. in the churning sea of people.

today we were supposed to hang out even before the week began. we were going to hang out monday *and* today. Justin was supposed to be going out with friends and she wanted me to come over and we would have a relaxed hang out.  monday she wasnt feeling well so I met her at work and we took the subway together, then went to watch the Long Island Rail Road before parting ways. It made us both happy.

Then suddenly Justin wasn't going to be hanging out w/friends so our hang out was in the air.
Then she said we could go out in the city.
Then it was in the air again.
I don't even know if I thought I had a 50/50 shot, but I had hung up my 'nicer' shirts in the closet the night before and for the first time in over a week, felt so comfortable with my shirt choice - whereas lately I've been changing them several times and never contented.

But Ness had to do something with work ppl from LA after work. I felt a deep sadness in my guts, one I hadn't expected. Suddenly I felt lonely. I talked to my producer but knew I was angling for someone to hang out with, or any sort of connection, even for a moment.  But the sadness pervaded.
I called Theron as I walked to the subway, but it didn't help. The sadness shape shifted into feeling ditched, into feeling hurt, into feeling even maybe embarrassed - and certainly out of place.
I looked in at the gilded bar I purposefully walked past but may never actually go in. I mentioned to Theron I had thought of stopping for a drink. The conversation then turned to me drinking too much. The loneliness and sadness deepened and I also felt rage and anger. I was a hopeless drudge awash in a sea of self loathing. I was not connected to any logic - I was a stunted intellect unable to decipher any emotions. Or any intent.
And that was on the walk to the subway even before the bar.

And now I lie on my bed with that sadness, and loneliness.
And know I don't know well enough who I am. Not wholly.

And maybe I never will.

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I thank God for My Life [30 Jan 2012|09:02am]
[ mood | grateful ]

So this morning as I was walking around the house singing (read: howling out) the 'Chicken Fried' song by Zac Brown Band... I had reached the kitchen to make coffee, and was looking out the window at the remaining snow in the neighbor's yard...
I was mishmashing up the song, and was singing, "There's no dollar sign on peace of mind, this I've come to know. So if you agree, have a drink with me, raise your glasses for a toast... I thank God for my life! For the stars and stripes! May freedom forever fly! and let it ring!"

And I was thinking how grateful I really am. Of course the first thing I was thinking of Theron and how thankful I am for him.  How lucky I am to have found such a wonderful human being to share my life with. How perfectly cuddly and snuggly he is. How he really loves me so much and held me so comfortably this morning. I know a week from today I will be waking up alone to go start a new job... I said to him, "I don't think we've ever taken our cuddles for granted." He said, "No I would agree with that. Maybe we've taken each other for granted sometimes.." "yeah that's true."  Because you get used to ppl - it's normal.

Last night at a friend's house for a great dinner out of no where he whispered, "I'm so glad we have each other."
It was out of no where, as our friend was showing us awesome etched glasses she's made. Non sequitur for sure... but I know he is thinking about how I am about to leave. It's clearly been on both of our minds a lot.

But staring out the window, making coffee, looking at the snow in this big house we are renting... having just been snuggled and helping Theron find socks in the laundry we were doing - I just felt, "Yes - I may complain i've gotten too chubby from being inactive, or any other thing, but I am truly so thankful for what I have in my life... Theron is a wonderful person and loves me..."
And you can't stop there...

My mind thinks of so many things at once - his Vice President who gave him a card after we'd gone to her house to help w/her printer, which said she was so thankful he is talented and she really enjoyed talking to me - I feel thankful for that woman!

And obviously my friend Peter - who is doing so much right now to get ready for moving into his new apartment - I am *so proud* of him! He's been taking big life changing steps the past couple years, this being a really big one for him, and he's handling it so gracefully! I know I would be a ball of stress - I am so thankful for him too! He is letting me stay with him while I work in new york because he's a wonderful friend. A true friend. 

Which reminds me that a couple years ago - when I'd first moved to live w/Theron in Chicago and so many friends visited, Theron said, "I really love all your friends, they're all such good people!" I said, "Of course they are! That's why they're my friends!"  And I really do have wonderful people in my life...

Again, back at the window, my mind thinking of being grateful for Theron - I can't think of being grateful for where I am now without thinking of the wonderful family that raised me. My Mom who is still my main supporter and cheerleader to this day... my Dad who has always been such a hard worker but almost always had a smile on his face and has always been there to talk to on my long walks to work. Of course my twin sister, who is my other half, who grew with me from the moment I came out of the womb, who has done projects with me and gone on innumerable adventures with me...
Of course I love my whole family - Karen is such a great cousin and friend, (Speaking of friends - can't not mention Blender!!), Dao, She She, Shar Shar - such talented, beautiful, wonderful cousins I have!

I know I am scared about embarking on a new adventure back in New York - in an area I've never lived in, without Theron... I'm nervous about a new job not having been 'in the game' for a cpl years... hoping I dont somehow screw up... hoping I can stay calm and handle things well...
And that Theron doesn't get too lonely here without me.

I laid in bed for 3 hours yesterday morning (5:30 - 8:30) my mind just thinking, thinking, thinking - not in a bad way (thank god!) but just THINKING About so much - a lot about past events...
We often reflect when moving forward I suppose.

Anyway, maybe we'll have to have a little bit of Chicken Fried tonight ^-^

Love you guys!
-Val!

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.... [03 Jan 2012|12:18pm]
[ mood | depressed ]

It seems like nothing feels right.

The Christmas tree we never got the ornaments on.   The pumpkins still rotting on the front steps.
The ornaments are still wrapped in paper towels in their plastic box.  Easy enough to put away until next year.
And the pumpkins frozen enough outside to be tossed into trash bags and thrown out.

Presents still need to be wrapped and sent home. Tchotchkes.

Having started my period late yesterday, my moods are of course all over the place. Ridiculous because it is always the case and so predictable. 

Theron told me I should just sleep in because I probably wouldnt feel good today anyway... but then called me before 8 to say he had a flat tire.   I picked him up on the other side of Sheboygan near the freeway and drove him to work. He looked unhappy the whole time, saying he wished he could just stay with me all day and that he still doesnt feel quite like he fits in at his job.  4 months there but it's different. It takes time.
I try to cheer him up or make him smile. Sometimes I think I am not good at all at making people smile.
He said he doesnt feel intellectually engaged at work. I don't think I do much of that at home either.

On the way home I stop for a starbucks at one point and note that I keep missing my chance to make eye contact with the friendly-seeming barista making my espresso-loaded coffee. I am awkward, barely awake, dressed in yesterdays clothes and a snow hat over my crazed blonde hair because, despite the freezing air in our room, I sweat all night in my sleep.

I stopped for a bagel once I was back in Sheboygan, and tried my best to act 'normal' to the man at the cash register. He joked when I said I wanted it toasted twice. "Just before catching on fire right?" He smiled at me. "hah hah yeah" I said and paced uncomfortably till it was ready. They always put the bagels in plastic bags, then into the paper bag. So I took it out and put it only in the paper.  Who wants a soggy bagel? That just allows the heat to get trapped and turn into moisture and ruins the whole purpose of toasting it! But then, if i'd mentioned that, I am sure i would have come across as even more of a fruit cake... but really it's just logical!

Also  I should note between my coffee and my bagel I called dad to chat, because Manitowoc to Sheboygan is about half an hour, and I used to call him when I'd walk to work in the early mornings in NYC - knowing he'd almost always be up.  We talked for a while and mostly I rambled, about what just happened (Theron's flat tire), about our weekend (laying around and being very lazy - but that's ok right? since we've been going-going-going and traveling so much the past couple months)... and then about wedding plans I havent made, save the dates we haven't made, engagement photos we haven't set up, possible gigs in new york I havent tacked down... and the house being messy. 

And i need to pick a wedding dress, and find a photographer, caterer, etc. I need to get containers for the Thanksgiving things and pack them all away, with Christmas. I need to make this place feel more like a home, like we want it to feel.
I am not good at these things.
I don't know what I am good at.

I come home and one of my friends is in a deep depression and I chat with him online for a while. I dont know what to say besides the obvious, I try to help but sometimes you can't do much besides letting someone know you are there for them and understand but that doesnt make their depression less real and less... of a thing that will last for some time.

And Peter sent me a link to an interesting NYTimes article about the way New York was planned as a grid and the author, Michael Kimmelman, decided to abstractly reference a few vagaries in a way that suggested we, the readers, should know these obtuse references without directly stating the source or more information... which made me feel both ignorant, lazy (for not looking them up), inadequate (for having a mind that seems lacking) and affronted at what seemed at the same time a sort of hubris, or at the very least, self-aggrandizement.
Or maybe I read too much into it.

I suppose maybe it was the first part that got me:

"I’m referring not just to the sociability it promotes, which Jane Jacobs identified, or to the density it allows, which Rem Koolhaas celebrates, or even to the ecological efficiency it sustains, which now makes New York, on a per-capita basis, a very green place. I’m also referring to a kind of awareness it encourages."

The grid of New York promotes sociability? I should look into this. Ask anyone about living there - or any massive city, but I think predominately there - and you will hear the exact opposite. 

He goes on to say that anyone who moves to New York, because of this sameness of a grid layout, can easily become and feel as though they are New Yorkers. As a Texan who transplanted to NY I can say that is not the case. I never felt like a New Yorker. And even if I had lived the entirety of my stay there in Manhattan, I wouldn't have felt like one. I would have felt the claustrophobic feelings of someone stuck in a tiny apartment beyond which is massive concrete, cement, and steel. I would have felt like an outcast beyond the grid in Queens, or like a commuter when I lived in Rutherford, NJ. I never once felt like a New Yorker, and I dont think I ever would have.  

Finally, and while I appreciate high speech, I find it rather absurd that the author goes on to state:

"Hilary Ballon, a professor of urban studies and architecture at New York University who organized the exhibition (running through April 15), adds that it even affects our daily behavior. “We cross at corners with the grid,” is her example. That’s not quite the New York I know, but it’s true that when we jaywalk or take shortcuts across plazas or stroll down Broadway, we are aware of violating the grid. The grid is the ego to our id."

Really? That grid is reigning in our ego? Are you sure?  Someone's ego seems to be doing just fine.

Though again, and truth be told, this article also made something fundamentally clear to me -  Not that I am no longer living in the grid of New York (that is pretty clear to everyone)... but that other people are thinking, really thinking about things, even the way the 'grid' of NY affects those living (or just working) within it... and I have been thinking less and less. 
I don't have a community here where I can meet up with people and discuss things. I have no great artistic outlet. I may write now and then - but rarely - and it still isn't the same as it would have been 10 or 13/14 years ago.  When I was learning and thinking and coming up with concepts.

Theron says it is still possible, my dream of making movies.  Being a lazy person, and a depressive one, I find it hard to believe... I find it a dream I have already given up on.... which is a disappointment.
I can't even see how this wedding will be what I want it to be... Because I have lost that part of myself that used to believe it could create great things.

Maybe...

I need something that feels organic. And I am not talking about food grown a certain way or cotton blends or even occupy wall street. Yeah, the world is grinding to a halt and I hate what is happening in our country  - but can we really be surprised?

We still only have this one life to live... and I feel like mine is flying by without me.

Another angsty entry por nada.

-Val!

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Trying to wrest myself out of slumber this morning [29 Dec 2011|12:07pm]
[ mood | frightened ]

So strange...

This has sort of happened before, in the past, in my youth I'm sure, and my angst-ridden teenage and exhausted college years... but this morning I found myself frightened by it.

Theron had woken me as usual when he got up, we kissed and - as I do rarely - I decided I would sleep a little longer once he left.
I feel back into sleep quickly and had one strange dream after another... school work piling up and me missing days or mixing up my schedule, being in a double suite hotel room with Ness, Theron, Karen, and random others trying to find out which bed I could use to sleep on so I could rest for an interview the next day.

Then that I was engaged to Chris Durner and he was holding me as we slept - or as he slept and I confusedly wondered about it... Because as great of a guy as he is, I thought I'd already been engaged to someone else who I was in love with?

Then I realized slowly this was a dream. I was well aware I was in my bed with the plush blue comforter a mass on top of me. Then the fear started..
I felt as if someone entered the room and then sat on the bed.  In my half sleep state I felt the depression of Theron's weight on the side of the bed, I felt him lean in to hug or kiss me. I felt afraid. I knew it wasn't Theron, he was already at work. I tried to will it away.
A moment later I felt another depression on the bed, as if Theron had walked around it to get closer to my side, and sit on it, and lean in again toward me. I felt very frightened, but so deep in sleep I couldn't wake. I felt our house must be haunted. Though I am sure that's moreover because it makes so many old-house noises at night (or all the time) that I even feel scared about burglars.

So it was at this time I was fighting sleep, fighting the comforter, fighting to wake. My arms and entire body were engulfed in such a soothing, deep sleep it was impossible. I willed my arms to move, but only to realize they were moving only in my sleep, not really moving. I wanted them to push the comforter off of me, help me get up, open my eyes.
I tried so hard to make them move.
Once they finally started to, it was still an effort to get them going and really escape. I got out of bed and threw on my sneaker slippers and hurried down the stairs to make the strongest coffee we have, afraid sleep might still try and get me again.

I don't know why I felt so scared. Mom would point out that everything is death with me.  Maybe.... but it did make me wonder if that is what death is like...

Now I'm dressed up and about to go meet Bee for lunch. And I am still feeling vulnerable.
We need more lights in this house. that is another story.

-Val!
the waking dead.

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It seems... [08 Jul 2011|02:40pm]
[ mood | sad ]

 I will have yet another day of crying.

Another day where I will be crying for god knows how long.

And of saying,... or writing...

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK.

But probably not until I leave here for the day.

To think I was all thinking I would work on the stupid Fashion show 'rewrite' for Judy and hoping she could meet Theron and he and I'd have tapas at Nacional again and hit up Beena's show later.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

Fuck You Chicago For Not Giving me a God Damn CHANCE!!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

I am so articulate and intelligent.  My words are eloquent and drip like sweet honey onto the page.
Sound like a bird song to you ears.


Whatever.
For now
-Val!

Drama Drama Drama

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The Mind Whirs [06 Jul 2011|02:36pm]
[ mood | worried ]

They want you.... the ball is rolling..... they want you.

We have a month to go... If we were going to go only three months.... We have one more month...
And I know I got a little crazy last week - the first week of the new job was fun and exciting... the second week was unnerving because I didn't know if I would work 'only some weeks' or what have you... I was depressed or disgruntled most evenings... it was tiring and trying for us both, I know....
And Friday I was a mess.... I was, in retrospect, hormonal and coming down with a head cold.
The weekend was erratic but dotted with parts that were not just good but very-good.
With potential for creative projects...
for art... for us...
Sure there were some stupid ideas, some things we think about, discuss, and realize we will readily cast off...
but we are us.. you and me. a couple.
(*A couple-a-what?*)


The ball rolling?
It's early July here in Chicago, the "windy city" is brash with humidity...
I called London this morning... I made people laugh and babble in shocked Britishisms - because who knows how to find the (nonexistent) agent  to someone who is now a member of the royal family?
But it's funny... and it made me happy - to make people laugh - to talk to people so far away.... Knowing I have a friend that lives there, that I miss.
I called Italy too, but that was just one call that lead to nothing.
I did this for a couple hours, took a break, then tried a little more, then sent emails to the best of my ability.
Then I started in again on the book I want to write, the book I've given myself "This month and maybe a little more" to finish.... The book about The Men I dated in New York.... It seemed a good 'summer read' though summer will most likely be over when I'm done...
It's just a read.  I just hope it is an entertaining read. I hope it sells. I hope I get it done, get it checked, revised, and lauded by those loved ones I love that already found the intro interesting....

I hope they like the whole of it, that it goes on line, that it spreads slowly at first, by word of mouth, spreads again, by digital discourse, that it spreads soon like wildfire across the internet, across the world, that it might even be read in book clubs, that it might be written of, in the New York Times, in the Tribune.... That it might sell....
and I might say to you, "Look what I've done... I've sold a million copies of my light reading book... The ball was rolling for me too... so I could come and get you.... so you could stay here with me... so we could put all our stuff in storage and travel... so we could see how true it is - that it isn't so hard to REALLY MAKE Something. I really made something! And we can do all the other projects too!"
The ball is rolling, and they want you....
And I love you....
and I hate change....
-Val!
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2 Months [06 Apr 2011|01:03pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

 It has been two months since my last entry, and that is significant.  I had unlocked it but then just locked it again.  It was a sad entry and I hadn't realized why I had gotten so down in the dumps, not till today.

Today I have been getting things together for my lawyer - things like old journal entries post the cars hitting us in October, photos from that time, etc.  It is a shock to me - most of my physical journal has been written in that time - the entries before Oct 14th were short, few, and filled with happiness. Then from October 14th till February was a bunch of negativity. 4 months of pain and poor coping mechanisms, four months of depression and feeling bad.  I didn't even realize what bad spiral I had gotten stuck on until I was getting all this together for my lawyer today. 
I hadn't realized how traumatized I had really been by that car crash, how much it affected me, and how depressed I ultimately became.

My lawyer has said that bc I am feeling better now, that we don't have much of a case for emotional distress.... really? 4 months and complete depression on the outlook of my future isn't emotional distress?  Look up PTSD - I had it, no doubt. 

Looking it up, yields things of relevance:

Post-traumatic stress disorder is a type of anxiety disorder. It can occur after you've experienced a traumatic event that involved the threat of injury or death.

When post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) occurs soon after the trauma, it usually gets better after 3 months.

People with PTSD re-experience the event again and again in at least one of several ways. They may have frightening dreams and memories of the event, feel as though they are going through the experience again (flashbacks), or become upset during anniversaries of the event.

Symptoms of PTSD fall into three main categories:

1. Repeated "reliving" of the event, which disturbs day-to-day activity

Recurrent distressing memories of the event

Repeated dreams of the event

Physical reactions to situations that remind you of the traumatic event

2. Avoidance

Emotional "numbing," or feeling as though you don’t care about anything

Feelings of detachment

Lack of interest in normal activities

Less expression of moods

Sense of having no future

3. Arousal

Difficulty concentrating

Exaggerated response to things that startle you

Excess awareness (hypervigilance)

Irritability or outbursts of anger

Sleeping difficulties

You also might feel a sense of guilt about the event (including "survivor guilt")


People with PTSD may need to treat depression, alcohol or substance abuse, or related medical conditions before addressing symptoms of PTSD. Behavioral therapy is used to treat avoidance symptoms. This can include being exposed to the object that triggers your symptoms until you become used to it and no longer avoid it (called graded exposure and flooding).

Complications

Alcohol abuse

Depression, anxiety, and fear of things that are not usually frightening to other people (phobia), may be part of this disorder

Drug abuse

You feel overwhelmed by guilt

You are impulsive

You are thinking of hurting yourself

You are unable to contain your behavior
 
 
So there you have it. The 4 months after the accident, fall and some of winter, incidentally my favorite time of year, and I was not able to enjoy a damn thing about it. I  was moody, angry, sometimes happy - true, but not like now.
 
The past 2 months have, for the most part, been far happier, far more 'normal' and healthy and good.  We have eaten healthier, drank much less, gone for long walks, enjoyed each other and our lives, felt much more certain the future will be bright and happy, etc. It is good to feel like you are living your life again, and not living on some awful numb autopilot.
 
And the amazing part to being happy again, is planning and having fun.  I found a great company on line that makes gorgeous engagement rings, and found they have a store in Milwaukee. Theron was very excited, and said we should drive up so we can see them in person. We did that very thing this past weekend. Saturday I was very nervous and that anxiety kept me from really enjoying the trip to the store.
We stayed at a hotel (after having a fun dinner), and, on Theron's decision, went back to the store the next day.  That Sunday will go down as one of the most interesting, exciting, and happy days in my life, I would imagine.  Walking out of the hotel, the sky was almost as black as night, thunder and lightening shot through the dark clouds that swiftly moved across the sky.  I was happy and elated, like a child. We got in the car and started driving back toward the mall, when all of a sudden tons of hail rained down from the sky.  Luckily we quickly found a bridge and watched the big balls of ice bounding down through the openings between the bridges - cascading even.  It was amazing!  I've never seen anything like it! After 15 minutes it was over, and we wound up at the mall, walking over what looked like bug eggs - all the melting hail.
We spent a long time in William Sonoma, one of Theron's favorite stores - and yet another reason I love him.   I think it is adorable he wants to own every kitchen gadget that exists ;)  The mall felt completely different on this Sunday morning - well dressed people wandered around, there was a sense of peace and happiness.  We entered the ring shop and the salesgirl remarked on how sparkley my bracelet had been the previous day. (Swarovski of course, Theron's birthday gift to me).  She was nice and laid back, and we had fun talking about and trying on different rings. 
We fell in love with two of them and on the drive home tried to decide what to do about that.
Theron wanted me to have them both, and wear them immediately. I explained to him the point of a proposal - that he has been planning for months now and wont tell me anything about - was that that is when you get the ring.
He said we could do what ever we want and I can have the ring as soon as it arrives. I said "no lovie, you have to present the ring at the proposal!" So he decided then I will get a 'pre-engagement' ring and another, gorgeous, elegant ring at the proposal. We excitedly ordered the first ring, and he photoshopped customizations to the other and emailed it to their design department.
We were really excited, and Theron started singing one of his made up silly songs, but this time made me sing 'bling bling' when he pointed at me.
 
Let's say it went something like:
"Puppy gonna put some..." (looks at me)
"bling bling!" I try to quickly say
"on your finger, some..." (looks at me)
"bling-bling!"
"to make you happy" 
etc
 
:)
Theron said I seem even happier than he thought I  would, and I admit - I FEEL happier than I ever thought I would be, so it comes as a shock to me too, but a very happy and (Ill overuse the word again) exciting one :)
 
So far on the order for my pre-engagement ring, it just says "order approved" which means it hasnt shipped yet... And I know it said it would take "12-14" business days ....so I am easily looking at a 2 week wait. ALAS!
 
In the infamous words of Verruca Salt. "I want it now!"
 
But I  guess I can wait a couple weeks;)  It is going to be so pretty, and so exciting!
Wee what fun! :)
I will put up pix as soon as she gets here:)
 
-Val!
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not a good update... meaning... sad/scary/negative. [08 Feb 2011|10:40am]
[ mood | worried ]

You want to stay here with me, live this life with me but...
what's in it for you
(what's in it for you?)

I don't think it is selfish of you, I don't think you are using me, I don't see what you have to gain. I know you say I have no self-esteem, or no self-worth, but what is in it for you - to be with someone like that?  And you said I pass out 9 nights out of 10... and you ask me so often to cuddle with you - you ask me in the mornings, maybe some weekends, will I cuddle with you tonight? I know it means - don't go away, don't get wasted, don't pass out. You want me to be here, be present, be able to hold you when we go to bed at night... not you having to put me to bed, again.  How many nights have you cried and I haven't known?  Or how many nights have you just been utterly exhausted and put out, and gotten so used to it that, last night, since I was 'here' - since I was 'present' - that you cried? That you realized what you didn't have? What I haven't been giving you? That I haven't been here for you, with you, that you've come to accept living with a reanimated corpse?

Even know my skin is rallying against me. It doesn't want this reality. Let's say I let a week go by - a month. Let's say I start to forget how easy it is to take a pill... how that pill always turns into more pills... how at some point I stop, I burble to the surface, I look around and see the world, my eyes barely above the water... I see the dishes in the sink... I did them all last Tuesday, and the laundry too, and the shopping... but that was me on auto-pilot... that was me feeling strong because I could take my anxiety pills and be at the laundromat before 9AM and was out doing things while you were at work... That I was going to get so much done... that when you got home, somehow I didn't think you appreciated any of it... you didn't seem proud or happy to me, not at all. You said you were and I just didn't see it - but why wouldn't I have seen it?

But you're right... I am destroying myself.  I wake up in some way, here where my skin hurts and reality has me frozen to the chair... here where I have to keep remembering to breathe, here where I have to will myself in ways far beyond lethargy to get up, get in the shower, get dressed, get out of the house... here where myself and the world are at discord... we are not connected, we are not at peace... here where I can see the past week, the past month, a blur, trying to get through that job I was temping at, trying to get through the days without it... feeling nothing because I was throwing away my feelings in pills to the point of no longer feeling comfort, no longer feeling much but tired at the end of the day, of not caring about doing things... of drowning the nights because I was on that same autopilot without right, wrong, or concern...

The past several days - on and off my pills... we have been talking about my feelings - about how i felt (apparently I said I hated? my life?) bored I meant to say, or impart... bored and that my life is not going anywhere.  I have the mornings with you - recently waking up from nights of more overindulgence... of eating and drinking more than you would think the human stomach could hold - without really having control over what I was doing... I had the mornings, waking up in your arms, having your kisses, feeling your whole body against me... I have the mornings of awkwardly trying to make you coffee, breakfast, whathaveyou...

This morning I had the night before... holding you as a couple tears rolled down your face, being surprised when I started choking out sobs as well... feeling the knowledge I am not destroying myself, but a part of you as well. I hadn't realized that when I was just destroying me, when you were a vessel to help me in that destruction... no matter how much we say we are going to eat better, be healthier, get in shape, live right...

the fall passed without much of a fall... with a car hitting Sara and I and me losing myself.... and now winter is here... and has been... And winter may be gone soon, though it seems to be holding on fairly well here in the beginning of February...

Last week, I was easier... Life, me, to be.  Now I am on the 2nd day of my period, the 2nd day without a pill (only the 2nd mind you), the second day trying to figure out which reality is real, which and how much I can bear... Reading old poetry I've had in my head for the past several days... I get burning and freezing in life confused with rotting and being frozen - in the poems I've written.  I always thought it was quite funny, to say 'perhaps we'll be frozen if it's temperate weather' - and reading even a couple of those poems again, with my flesh as exposed as it is now - worries me...
Life hurt me, hurts me, has hurt me for so long...

You are good. I can see that, I can see that you are good.  Sometimes I feel like it's a lie, like when I watch the videos after nights... or let's say not even 'sometimes' but just the other day - wednesday - the wednesday after tuesday where i was motivated, it was my first 'blizzard' i remember now, when i was shopping I got champagne and sausage and thought I deserved it, it was afterall my first blizzard... excuse of a loser. the video i vaguely remember you telling me to get on your back so we could go look at the snow... on the balcony - watching it the next day - my words all slurred and childish... yours comforting and soft but calculated in a sort of way... that I don't really feel I know what is real or if I know the real you...

Laying in bed with you last night, I was with you but I wasn't... For one thing this awful gripping tension and reality pulls me away because as you note - in your own words which are themselves a conundrum - that I think too much, that I can't stop thinking,... and isn't that the problem, in many ways, at any rate?  I felt like you were there, and we were both saying we loved each other many times... but part of you must know the forever isn't forever... and while we may want that to mean forever until nature by death pulls us apart, if that has to be the way it is when one dies... last night I felt like part of you might be thinking it would come much sooner... even though you said we've just reached the one year mark of me thinking we wouldn't be together for a year... and soon you will tell me again that we will be together in a year, and maybe it will take five years for me to believe it ... and maybe it will take five years to break me of these horrible habits,.. but you will be there with me.

What's in it for you?
Another year of this cycle of stopping cold turkey, starting again, getting buried, stopping, scratching at the world like a cat - rabid and strange?  Waking up every few months to be shocked and afraid?

Shackled by the vices I have, shackled by my own fears, shackled by my own loves?

The sun is coming through an accidental slit in the vertical blinds.  I said I would shower by 11...

At these times I always think of Millay's biography... and the wine and morphine... or Sylvia Plath and the oven... though I wouldn't do that I don't think... I mean suicide.. at times like this I am afraid again of the pills that make things seem more doable... like that,... like I could have moments like this where I realize I am destroying the people who love me... and then I could take a pill or two, be out of it enough to slit my wrist a bit too deep and bleed out.

I've been destroying my mother for some years.

What good is writing anyway?

http://750words.com/entries/share/553002

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First part poem, second meanderings. [05 Feb 2011|12:48pm]
[ mood | complacent ]

I was not born
of laudenum and lace
nor was I thus created
to be bombarded by disgrace
- a sensation slapped against my face
continuously
by me, alone.

Creating a world
of poetry read in brothels
by people dressed
in brick a brack Victorian garb
does not make a movement
or a difference
and would not move me
to feel
like I belonged

Something wronged me
a long time ago
to abuse myself
or get wound up
for no reason.

I could be out stomping
in the bright white snow
under sunlight

And I should write
poems about Chicago nights
and the fogs I do not know.


That's a poem I wrote a few days ago when I was in a frenzy. I then wrote on my LJ... I didn't write here, I mentioned that yesterday.  My sister is somewhat missing me and vaguely missing our travels together. That might do me well, to take a trip with her.
It also might lead to many fights... but who knows, what if we were launched together alone, no one else to save us, no easy way home... but it would be easier for her, she has more money now, as she makes a lot and i make none. She could and sometimes I would predict actually would, readily leave me behind, in any land, foreign or otherwise.
(Limos in Manhattan come to mind.)

So I don't know. Maybe not the best idea, but an idea, and a change of scenery, and pace.

My love has just returned; I hurt him by saying I am bored with my life. He said that my life is our life so I am bored with our life... that is not what I meant to say but at times is true. Are you going to start building bridges in your phone app now love?

can you imagine showing an iphone to someone in the 70s when they had those huge ridiculous looking 'mobile' phones to carry around? I imagine you would like to do that. You would have shocked someone forever.

Don't you wish you still had your apple stock?   We probably never would have met though. You would have been extremely rich well before now and who knows where that would have taken you.  Probably not to Chicago just looking for a job.   The one offered up by your crazy, immoral, now under public scrutiny politician of an aunt.

Your family doesn't seem to like me.  But what is that to me? to us? I hope not much.

I want to lose weight. I weigh 120lbs with no clothes on and want to get back down to 107, then even out at 112.. or 110 perhaps?  Something... A goal.. to feel more like a doll (as we take a break from you curling my hair so I can write my 750 words.)

Ness asks why we are looking for a new place to rent. We haven't been exceptionally happy here and it's cost us a lot more money.  Money we could save, save to just save, save to travel, save to dine out some.  But I don't know.

My love kisses the my back as I write. He says he loves me. It's important - to say these things and mean them.... we are planning to go out later. Maybe have a bloody mary at Tavern on Rush if it is open. Ice skate at the Hancock.. It is the only semi sunny saturday we've had for a while.

My sister asks if I am still considering moving to LA.... of course i have to consider that. As I told her - things aren't [exactly] working out for me here, career wise...  Though I d like for Theron to have a job first... all my friends working out there just say to come out... that doesnt make sense to me. I need a job first, then I will go out... though that is not what i did in NYC... I had family to stay with (for a very brief time and not what you would have thought or wanted).

I could go out to LA.... Maybe shop myself around... I should contact my contacts and see if anyone is looking or hiring.  But I am put off by the lack of weather.. by the horrendous amounts of traffic.. by the people... I know I won't drink and drive again.. but the idea of being in a non-walking city with horrendous traffic and earthquakes doesnt appeal to me.

I wrote more than this but you erased it. Thanks.

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just feeling down [04 Feb 2011|08:38am]
[ mood | indifferent ]

I did write yesterday, which is all fine and dandy. I was in a frenzy, frantic, upset. I wrote first on a notebook - why not my journal? Who cares anyway, right? Then I wrote again on my LJ. Why not here where It would have "counted" for something.... "points" again... the only numbers I care about are the ones on the scale (going down! which isn't happening) and the ones in my bank account (going down, because I am forever unemployed).

There is still of course snow outside, the same snow from 2 days ago that I ran around having fun in. That yesterday, under the bright sunshine, I couldn't make myself get out into.  I believe it is sunny today as well, so I should get out there. I should exercise also. I should eat less or just not eat. "should should should"   - difficult things, sometimes. My boyfriend and I are supposed to be having a 'date' night tonight, but I don't know.  What is the point? What is real anyway?  Existential crises are so dull, aren't they?

Maybe I should go swimming in Lake Michigan. Hah.
Maybe I should start an organized crime syndicate. The new mobsters of Chicagoland. But no one would probably listen to me. I can't even hold down a job or get clips from episodes I edited 2 years ago. Or a year ago, whatever. People tell you 'no' and what can you do, after that? Tuck tail and snarl - that's about it.

And the quote you included in your mail out today seemed silly. That you 'saved' that girl just because she logs in to write here every day? I don't know... it's good to express yourself and I guess the very slight nudge an email can give some people is enough to get those thoughts out there. Maybe she has deeper and more significant thoughts than I do, and those thoughts coming out transform her life to such a degree, she feels saved.  Maybe she lives in a cabin in some remote region of Montana or Wyoming and this offers some respite. Who can say ?

The other day we were very happy. Silly happy. I had been productive Tuesday, and Wednesday despite the morning where I did cry a bit, we were out playing in the snow. Then we were at home making our ahi tuna tartar dinner, drinking champagne (or he beer) playing uno - winning little bets from one another (a foot rub, a head scratch, foot massage actually with oil, a date night, etc).  He won a 'slave day' from me on a bet weeks ago but hasn't taken me up on it yet. Annoying. I thought it could be fun. In reality it would just stress him out trying to come up with things for me to do (if we were out anywhere) and we would probably just stay home and I would be bored and dissatisfied at the lack of creativity of it all.

We keep saying we're going to take a Metra train trip - towards naperville... but again... we haven't done that. A few weekends have passed since we said we would, cloud covered weekends, at least. Now another weekend is upon us , as today is Friday.  Theron and I were looking forward to it on Wednesday - having had fun and realizing new and fun things and that we can really have more fun together (than the rut we've gotten into, I think, though we try).  But yesterday my mood was not a good one, and it is probably all due to a period impending. At least I shouldn't have it over Valentine's day... or the weekend before which, when we should be skiing up in Wisconsin.  We are couchsurfing with a man and his family who seem nice.  They have a basement style apartment for us to stay in, and want to have dinner with us on Saturday. We will be pooped from skiing, no doubt, but it should be worth it.

Of course I would love to go to a fancy or semi-fancy restaurant on V-day, but in reality I know it doesn't matter.  Though I've been feeling that way a lot lately, like nothing really matters.  Rut rut rut. Stuck stuck stuck.

I even talk to people who are upsetting to me just because I dont want to severe connections. Maybe I'm lonely. Or maybe there isn't even the need to say maybe. I most probably am lonely.  That and I need a routine. I recognize this, and Mom said it yesterday. Not like I don't know.

Wake up with Theron, get coffee, play wii fit together, have breakfast, shower, dress, work on novel / comic book (whichever first), go for a walk, work on website, etc. Dinner. Go to sleep in each others' arms.... Routine.... something....

oh well.

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just feeling down [03 Feb 2011|02:45pm]
[ mood | frustrated ]

We  never created anything.
Nothing lasts.
Nothing lasts forever.
We put on events that have been washed away like sandcastles.

We were, we really thought, going to try to do our 'Day in the Life of Food' Tv show. That would have been something, but we didnt do the necessary back ground research and I was neck deep in work in Chicago and you were far away in New York.
God we wanted to do that.

What can we create now? what can I make.
I just thought "I want to BE someone"
but thinking that doesn't change a damn thing.
And do I? want to be someone?

OR just get through this life?
and what's the point of that?

I Know I don't want to write articles about clipping coupons or comparing deals.

I dont want to just be an editro for a show - though I would do that now for hte money.

I don't want to live my life doing temp jobs.

I want to create soemthin otehr than lines on a webpage

I need a new web page

I need days where I accomplish tasks and feel good like the laundry dishes and whatnot the other day.

I need to exercise and be out - there is snow and sunshine.

I need to shower and should have done that hours ago.

I should not have slept till 9:30

I am alone or I am not alone.

I dont know if anything matters.

If i were some famous person somewhere on TV -that would not be what I was after.

Or a travel writer a fraction of people read.

The most important thing is doing something and having that something be something that you love.

you have o love.
to love your self
and what you are doing.

I have thrown myself into a frenzy because I have been a bad girl today.

Made myself a big breakfast and hunted for jobs and houses and didn't do the dishes or shower or even go into the snow.

And we want to buy a home? would it be a home? What would be the purpose - a hope to save money, a hope to have a 'foundation' for this life we are trying to live.
We had a good day together. we did.
we sledded and before that I tromped around.

we made too much dinner and played uno and the app of truth or dare. it was silly fun.

We need to do creative things together.

I need to create something

something is dying inside me.

Its possible at least

but there are no more fogs that lie in drains

There is sunshine today though, and thankfully tomorrow. there is always tomorrow.
At least that is what we hope.

If you cant create, sedate.
-Val!

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